Digby Thanoscar

With the social distance order in place, teens have taken to driving to their friend’s houses and saying “happy birthday” from their car. What these people have not taken into account is the more melancholy tradition of the funeral procession.

You have nothing else to do, and you’re just desperate to find out, aren’t you?

With social distancing being enforced, you will not be able to leave your property. We suggest going outside and staring at your yard. There are so many things to look at! You can watch grass grow, see tulips start to bloom and think about the next way 2020 will try to kill us!

“Hello? Yes, I’d like to talk to Mr. Gasparini, yes I’ll hold… Hello? Yes, this is [ ] and I am calling on the behalf of the student body. I would like to strike a deal. It has been brought to my attention that April break has been canceled, and you see, that will just not do. I will offer you our full cooperation in the future for four days of the break to be brought back. No? 3 days...1 day…..4 hours….2 hours, final offer...6 minutes...Gaspo, gimme something.” The student then hung up the phone looking rather dejected. They then looked up to us and said: “I got us an extra 34 seconds of break.” The student then started to cry.

When we asked Mr. Gasparini for an interview about the fire alarms, he claimed it was a “faulty sensor”, then retreated to his office. When we tried to further on that point, he would not take our questions.

These protests were not taken kindly by Mr. Phillips and the rest of the RamFeed crew. They somehow got inside information that this was happening, and staged a counter-rally. This included around eighty students who were required to participate for a grade supposedly equal to a test. Mr. Phillips will not confirm nor deny this.

I was not sure whether to be happy or afraid. The class looked at each other quizzically, but happy to not have a test. I was able to capture some of the memes, but my Canon EOS R Mirrorless Digital Camera was taken away for having technology out during class.

An eye. Yeah, you heard me. An eye watching your every move, scanning your face, stealing your identity to sell to Russia.

I don’t really know… nothing can replace my love for lemonade. Yes, I could go to the store and buy some lemonade like a plebian. Or, I could enjoy a nice, cold, refreshing glass of fresh squeezed lemonade. But your question was how did I cope?