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Digby Thanoscar

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Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.

Teddy Todorov Wins Senior Slate Election, Named Supreme Leader

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“That was their fatal mistake,” senior Teddy Todorov said. In a shocking turn of events, Todorov gained enough write-in votes to win the majority among students. Either Ms. Oppedisano and Mr. Cotett didn’t do a good enough job in Government classes to explain the importance of voting, or Todorov found a way to hack the Google Form. Either way, Todorov went from your average high school student to President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Director of Communications of the senior class.

Math Curriculum Excludes Quadratics in Order to “Flatten the Curve”

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“I was told not to teach the quadratic formula this year even though it is nearly essential to my class,” Mrs. Sullivan said in an interview. “How can I prepare my students for the SAT or any math above geometry without x equals negative b plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus 4ac all over 2a?” 

Student’s Score Cancelled for Standing During the SAT

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JUNE 5, J-DHS -- Students piled into the building early Saturday morning for the final administration of the SAT before the end of the school year. All was well until a student taking the...

Chemistry and Biology Teach Students the Life Lessons of Loss and Acceptance

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“I remember a time when anything under a 90 was considered bad, now I’m happy with anything above a 47.”

Sophomore Class Taking Bribes from Corporate America? They Deny it, but Krispy Kreme Prices...

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The same story came from all officers; we are impressed with their communication.

J-DHS Undergoes Copyright Lawsuit After Playing Music in the Mornings

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They then exited the interview site yelling things to the sky like, “You can’t make me go back,” and “I don’t need a GED, I bet ya caviar harvesters don’t have GEDs.” No one has heard or seen them since, but we wish them the best with their caviar excursions.

My Holiday Traditions: Digby Thanoscar

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Yampage's winter break countdown has not stopped!

“All I Want for Christmas is You” to be Played on Intercoms 24/7

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While this certainly isn’t textbook and may not even be legal, we can’t say he’s wrong. I myself have forgotten all about not understanding sig figs and have just accepted that my soul has been sold to Mariah Carey.

BREAKING: Slate Election Fraud and School Board Representative Results

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Just when we thought the year 2020 couldn’t get any weirder, the 2020 JD slate elections have been postponed. They were scheduled for Wednesday, October 7th, until Mr. Gasparini got word of claims of...