Students Undergo Five Stages of Grief Upon Learning of April Break Cancellation

Disaster has struck! It seems like the world has come to an end to stop the raging Coronavirus from infecting more people. Lawmakers in New York have decided that schools must cancel their April breaks and continue giving instruction remotely. Once students heard this they instantly went into denial.

“No, no, no this can’t be happening,” said a sophomore who would like to stay anonymous. “I was planning on reading David and Goliath and figuring out what’s happening in bio. They can’t have canceled break. Is that even legal?” In short, yes. Yes, it is legal. When further questioned, they refused to answer until they saw an article confirming this. Once we pulled it up on syracuse.com the student then sprung into anger.

“How does this happen? We’ve gone to school every day. I haven’t missed one day, not even the first one. I get homework on weekends at this point. How can they do this to us?”. We tried to calm the student down, but it was futile. “How disconnected from the school must one be to truly believe that April break cannot happen? Who made this law? Who is the leader of the board of education in New York? MaryEllen Elia?” We once again tried to calm the student down, and this time it worked. But the student then called Mr. Gasparini.

“Hello? Yes, I’d like to talk to Mr. Gasparini, yes I’ll hold… Hello? Yes, this is [    ] and I am calling on the behalf of the student body. I would like to strike a deal. It has been brought to my attention that April break has been canceled, and you see, that will just not do. I will offer you our full cooperation in the future for four days of the break to be brought back. No? 3 days…1 day…..4 hours….2 hours, final offer…6 minutes…Gaspo, gimme something.” The student then hung up the phone looking rather dejected. They then looked up to us and said: “I got us an extra 34 seconds of break.” The student then started to cry.

We tried to console them, but there was no point. Nothing could help the poor soul. We left for a couple of minutes to let them wallow in their sadness and then came back. “I just wanted to relax,” the student said between tears. “I think I’ll be okay, but it hurts when you lose something you love.” We told the student we were sure they’d be alright. After all, they’d gotten this far. The student then stood up, wiped a tear from their eye and patted me on the shoulder and said:

“You know what? I think you’re right. We don’t have an April break this year….god, it hurts just to say, but you know what? That’s okay. Not really, but I accept that there’s nothing I can do about it. Whatever happens, happens and whatever doesn’t, doesn’t. It’s up to us to make the most out of this situation, and I am not going to sit here and complain. I don’t have the time, in fact. I should be studying now. Bye.”

The student then retreated back into their home and we concluded their interview.

DISCLAIMER: The interview was completed with six feet between each person present, we can confirm because we bought our two-yardstick. 

Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.