Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Unbelievable!

Yampage to Receive No Funding in the 2020-2021 School Year

SOMEWHERE PAST JULY 2020- The JDHS 2020-2021 budget has been proposed and voted on. Changes are going to be made to hopefully...

New Program Inspired by Monsters Inc. Provides Safety to Bathroom-Goers

In these unprecedented times, administrators and staff have been forced to come up with solutions to problems they’ve never had to face...

“I’m Trying,” Says Dr. Smith

Schools all over the world are having to rethink how they run and JD superintendent Peter Smith has a unique plan for...

A YamPage Farewell

Sure, perhaps I’ve exaggerated, embellished, call it what you will. But you laughed. And you laughed because the truth was only bent, not broken. The GPS led you through a bee-infested jungle off the side of the highway, but you got to the same destination at the end.

Shocked And Devastated Seniors Learn That An Advanced Regents Diploma Literally Means Nothing

Due to the overwhelming silence from the senior class, I decided to talk to members of the administration about this discovery. But all that Superintendent Peter Smith had to say on the matter was “What are you doing on my doorstep and how did you find my address?”

Seniors Reflect on What They’ll Miss Most About JD

In her interview, Wynnie Gross revealed that she had been sticking a piece of gum under one desk in Mrs. Oppedisano’s room every single school day for 2 years. She was disappointed that she wouldn’t get to finish her masterpiece, but, always one to look on the bright side, told us that “there wasn’t that much room left anyway.”

Paris from Home: A Quarantined YamPage Travel Guide

Find the most uncomfortable chair in your house, get your family members to cram in next to you, find a track of just babies crying for an eternity, and hunker down for your realistic flight.

Bored Teens Finding New Ways to Pass Time

“I built a time machine!” senior Abby Morgan told reporters, “I used old car parts and a jump rope! I’m going to go back to 2015 and it’s gonna be great! It’s gonna be great,” she repeated, assuring herself that, yes, this was a good use of her time.

“Fallout 2021: J-DHS” to be released July 8th

“I want you and all your comp sci classes to start working on this game. I don’t care what it’s about as long as there is some sort of education involved. The PTG will love us! They’ve really been hurting because they haven’t been able to sell concessions at concerts.”

BREAKING: Who Will Be the Next Editor of Yampage?

Yamfam, we regret to inform you that Guiseppe Baxter will not be returning as editor for the 2020-2021 school year. It came as a shock to us here at YamPage as well, but he has decided to return to the high stakes world of Rasputin impersonation. To choose the next editor, Mr. Baxter has devised an elaborate set of competitions.

School Slate Elections In Turmoil

“I knew when I heard the Windows startup noise as I stepped into the voting booth that I was using outdated technology, but I thought it worked fine,” said senior Aakash Yalamanchili. “Actually, thinking about how the machine started hurling insults at me in Russian, when I tried to vote, I now realize that there might have been some issues there.”

Kindergarteners Feel Left Out

Many kindergarteners have picked up magic markers and made their own yard signs in protest of the signs distributed to seniors. One sign on Hamilton Parkway reads, “hOm off a JD kinder gardener.” Another reads, “My favorit coler is PINK!!!”

College Board Implements New AP Exam Process

If you were lucky, you made it to the final part of pre testing. Hours twenty one to twenty eight known as the Twilight Zone by the board itself. Here one would undergo a rigorous amount of mental challenges to prove they were capable of taking the test. I did not make it here and the ones that did are too traumatized to talk about what occurred. We can only imagine what went on in there…

New Loudspeaker System Brings the Sounds of JDHS to Your Home

“Just the dinging of the incoming announcement had my mind flooded with all the memories of the good ol’ days, you know, pre-quarantine,” senior Ellie Brown said. “I really appreciate how he’s staying authentic to himself and not changing the announcements for the current situation. I really need something that’s consistent in my life other than my Econ homework.”

The Mandela Effect: What Time Did Class Actually Start?

As students enter their third month without in-person classes, the memory of what school was actually like is beginning to fade.

If You Missed It

Blue Kiosk Printer Mysteriously Spitting Out Threatening Messages

“I know that many of the other kiosks, printers, and teachers around the school are worried about the Blue Kiosk's behavior, but I personally don’t have anything to worry about because I don’t let my students print during class anyways,” stated the very calm Social Studies teacher, Eric Ormond.

Birthday Parades Mistaken For Funeral Processions

With the social distance order in place, teens have taken to driving to their friend’s houses and saying “happy birthday” from their car. What these people have not taken into account is the more melancholy tradition of the funeral procession.

Quarantine Brings Lost Trends Back into the Spotlight

“Instead of giving us educational videos to watch, they’re assigning us their favorite childhood movies and TV shows,” senior, Maggie Frank, stated angrily. “I’ve already been forced to watch The Breakfast Club, Saved by the Bell, and all ten seasons of Beverly Hills 91210 with my parents. What’s next?”
Yam

Yampage

Yampage is the high-water mark for 21st-century student journalism, not only in the greater Jamesville-DeWitt metropolitan area, but also across the entire continent of North America and even the two French islands of St. Pierre and Miquelon off the eastern coast of Canada (Bonjour! Comment allez vous?). Yampage is an independently-run column, with our only tie to RamPage being that we have to pay rent to live here on their website (and they don’t allow pets!!!). Our crack staff of intrepid reporters covers only vital, breaking, and gluten-free news of the day. Contact us at yampage@jd.cnyric.org.