Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Unbelievable!

Morning Buses Become Epicenter Of Literary Conversation and Creative Exploration

During the same 15 minute period, Bus 221 has been working hard on producing an original opera about the Federal Reserve. The three act opera features catchy tunes like “What is the Federal Reserve” and “No Financial Crises.” The show will premiere in March in the Senior Parking Lot. Tickets can be purchased at the corner of Cross Road and Bradford Heights Drive.

Common Core Fitness Program Utilizes New Fire Alarms

When we asked Mr. Gasparini for an interview about the fire alarms, he claimed it was a “faulty sensor”, then retreated to his office. When we tried to further on that point, he would not take our questions.

Nobody Knows What Hole in The Wall Club Does

“Hole in the Wall is a great organization with outstanding members. It teaches teenagers valuable life lessons and skills,” mused Gualtieri. However, the interview took a turn for the worse when Gualtieri was questioned on what type of club Hole in the Wall truly is. “I think you should go. Go on! Leave! Now!” We were not able to interview Gualtieri again.

AP Bio Students Tasked with Raising a Tamagotchi Pet

“I haven’t blinked in days,” stated sophomore David Scibilia who didn’t even bother to look up from his Tamagotchi the entire time he was being interviewed. We found David hiding under the staircase by the trainer’s office. Only days after we interviewed him, David lost his Tamagotchi when he blinked for the first time in almost a week. Scibilia later sent out invitations for his Tama’s funeral.

Weather over Education!

These protests were not taken kindly by Mr. Phillips and the rest of the RamFeed crew. They somehow got inside information that this was happening, and staged a counter-rally. This included around eighty students who were required to participate for a grade supposedly equal to a test. Mr. Phillips will not confirm nor deny this.

Cut the Crap: Guys and Dolls Censored by JD

It is rumored that the school’s Steering Committee is planning to literally force themselves on stage to steer the metaphorical boat in the show’s 11 o’clock number “Sit Down, You’re Rockin The Boat”, as to prevent any turmoil from ensuing involving this nonexistent boat that has the potential to be rocked.

Administration Adjusts Plan to Combat Bathroom Vaping

“We realized we needed to give the students a way to relieve themselves during school hours,” Mr. Nylen stated in an interview, “We think we’ve come up with the perfect solution.”

Don’t Jewel, Not Cool

Yampage journalists managed to interview one of the school’s most notorious jewelers, Rainer Yaeger, as he finished jeweling the cuffs of his jeans. “They come in a bunch of different colors, but the most popular ones are cappucino, grape, and tobacco. Even those aren’t as popular as the two that got banned, though.”

New Auditorium Looks Suspiciously Old

One parent of a freshman attending the concert said, “I’ve only been to Dessert Concerts in the JDMS cafeteria, so I was understandably nervous for swanky high school choral concerts, but when I tripped on the carpet walking to my seat, only to find a piece of chewed gum and ‘we are not JD’ carved into the arm rest, I felt as though I had found my home.”

Flipped Classroom-Induced Nausea Apparent In Math Students

When asked about his inspiration for the flipped classroom, Clinton replied: “You’re either a yoga monkey or a paint salad. If you’re a paint salad, you do things the old way and you don’t bother to try anything new, to step out of your comfort zone. I like to think I’m a yoga monkey, except it’s like that monkey got access to a lot of glue and velcro.”

Flashing Blue Light in New Auditorium Causes Student Confusion, Disappearances

Is it aliens? Could it be the ghost of Ren McCormack from the 2017 production of Footloose returning to strike his revenge on act II? Or maybe, in a twist of fate, it’s our Italian overlords, seeking justice for their stolen tiles, now laden throughout our building’s bathrooms.

JD Fine Arts’s Hall of Rejects

Fishman attempted to prove to us that Phish has at least five good songs by citing Vanity Fair’s article The Top Five Most Tolerable Phish Songs. Unfortunately, the author of the article was only able to think of four.

Bounty Placed on Freshman Who Called Harvard A Safety School

“They’re in for a rude awakening,” says senior Gigi Lecomte as she aggressively knocks back an espresso shot. “I mean really? How DUMB do you have to be to think Harvard is a safety school? They don’t even know what’s coming! They don’t even know.” Unfortunately our interview with Ms. Lecomte was cut short, as she had to go write supplements about traumatic events that never happened to her.

The Freshmen Just Keep Getting Smaller

JAMESVILLE-DEWITT HIGH SCHOOL--As we settle into this new school year, many upperclassmen are wondering, “Did the freshmen get smaller this year?” 

Mr. Comfort Ditches Lesson Plan to Teach Through Memes

I was not sure whether to be happy or afraid. The class looked at each other quizzically, but happy to not have a test. I was able to capture some of the memes, but my Canon EOS R Mirrorless Digital Camera was taken away for having technology out during class.

If You Missed It

New Fire Alarm Causes Disruption at JD

“May I have your attention please. May I have your attention please. There has been a fire emergency reported somewhere in the...

New Global Teacher’s Alter Ego Revealed

One freshman said that in the middle of sixth period Global, Mrs. Delaney received a call on her classroom phone. No one knew who was on the other end, but witnesses reported that she began muttering angrily about how Martian Manhunter was “at it again.” 

JD Represented in Mario Kart Tour

"After all, we are the top school in the nation according to António Guterres. I guess that kind of popularity is what gets you featured in a video game.” 

THE DANGERS OF FAKE NEWS- How Mr. Brodsky Became A Multi-Billionaire

“Look, you can’t blame me for reading that article. It was purely factual. It was just artistic interpretation that took me elsewhere.”
Yam

Yampage

Yampage is the high-water mark for 21st-century student journalism, not only in the greater Jamesville-DeWitt metropolitan area, but also across the entire continent of North America and even the two French islands of St. Pierre and Miquelon off the eastern coast of Canada (Bonjour! Comment allez vous?). Yampage is an independently-run column, with our only tie to RamPage being that we have to pay rent to live here on their website (and they don’t allow pets!!!). Our crack staff of intrepid reporters covers only vital, breaking, and gluten-free news of the day. Contact us at yampage@jd.cnyric.org.