Monday, July 6, 2020

Unbelievable!

Seniors Reflect on What They’ll Miss Most About JD

In her interview, Wynnie Gross revealed that she had been sticking a piece of gum under one desk in Mrs. Oppedisano’s room every single school day for 2 years. She was disappointed that she wouldn’t get to finish her masterpiece, but, always one to look on the bright side, told us that “there wasn’t that much room left anyway.”

Paris from Home: A Quarantined YamPage Travel Guide

Find the most uncomfortable chair in your house, get your family members to cram in next to you, find a track of just babies crying for an eternity, and hunker down for your realistic flight.

Bored Teens Finding New Ways to Pass Time

“I built a time machine!” senior Abby Morgan told reporters, “I used old car parts and a jump rope! I’m going to go back to 2015 and it’s gonna be great! It’s gonna be great,” she repeated, assuring herself that, yes, this was a good use of her time.

“Fallout 2021: J-DHS” to be released July 8th

“I want you and all your comp sci classes to start working on this game. I don’t care what it’s about as long as there is some sort of education involved. The PTG will love us! They’ve really been hurting because they haven’t been able to sell concessions at concerts.”

BREAKING: Who Will Be the Next Editor of Yampage?

Yamfam, we regret to inform you that Guiseppe Baxter will not be returning as editor for the 2020-2021 school year. It came as a shock to us here at YamPage as well, but he has decided to return to the high stakes world of Rasputin impersonation. To choose the next editor, Mr. Baxter has devised an elaborate set of competitions.

School Slate Elections In Turmoil

“I knew when I heard the Windows startup noise as I stepped into the voting booth that I was using outdated technology, but I thought it worked fine,” said senior Aakash Yalamanchili. “Actually, thinking about how the machine started hurling insults at me in Russian, when I tried to vote, I now realize that there might have been some issues there.”

Kindergarteners Feel Left Out

Many kindergarteners have picked up magic markers and made their own yard signs in protest of the signs distributed to seniors. One sign on Hamilton Parkway reads, “hOm off a JD kinder gardener.” Another reads, “My favorit coler is PINK!!!”

College Board Implements New AP Exam Process

If you were lucky, you made it to the final part of pre testing. Hours twenty one to twenty eight known as the Twilight Zone by the board itself. Here one would undergo a rigorous amount of mental challenges to prove they were capable of taking the test. I did not make it here and the ones that did are too traumatized to talk about what occurred. We can only imagine what went on in there…

New Loudspeaker System Brings the Sounds of JDHS to Your Home

“Just the dinging of the incoming announcement had my mind flooded with all the memories of the good ol’ days, you know, pre-quarantine,” senior Ellie Brown said. “I really appreciate how he’s staying authentic to himself and not changing the announcements for the current situation. I really need something that’s consistent in my life other than my Econ homework.”

The Mandela Effect: What Time Did Class Actually Start?

As students enter their third month without in-person classes, the memory of what school was actually like is beginning to fade.

Blue Kiosk Printer Mysteriously Spitting Out Threatening Messages

“I know that many of the other kiosks, printers, and teachers around the school are worried about the Blue Kiosk's behavior, but I personally don’t have anything to worry about because I don’t let my students print during class anyways,” stated the very calm Social Studies teacher, Eric Ormond.

Birthday Parades Mistaken For Funeral Processions

With the social distance order in place, teens have taken to driving to their friend’s houses and saying “happy birthday” from their car. What these people have not taken into account is the more melancholy tradition of the funeral procession.

Quarantine Brings Lost Trends Back into the Spotlight

“Instead of giving us educational videos to watch, they’re assigning us their favorite childhood movies and TV shows,” senior, Maggie Frank, stated angrily. “I’ve already been forced to watch The Breakfast Club, Saved by the Bell, and all ten seasons of Beverly Hills 91210 with my parents. What’s next?”

Local Chromebooks Confused

“I miss the cold, dark void of the ChromeCart,” wept Chromebook #24 from Cart 1. “It was so comfortable. Sometimes I think about it when I’m shutting down for the night so I can relax a bit. The gentle rolling down the green hallway. The English and French classes going to war over me. Getting put in the wrong slot. Getting plugged in with the wrong cord. Not getting plugged in at all. Oh, so many things could go wrong. It really helps me sleep at night, remembering the good times.”

If You Missed It

7 Yam Recipes to Try in Quarantine

Our 7 delicious recipes are sure to bring warmth and happiness to your home and your families will be thrilled when you finally move from the lifeless position that you have been stuck in for the past three days.

Rebuttal to Agatha Smoot’s article “Lizards, Lizards, and More Lizards”

It has come to my attention that you have scribed a recent feature about Mr. Keith Comfort titled “Lizards, Lizards, and More Lizards” in the April 8th, 2020 edition of the fabled YamPage.

At-Home Fire Drills

“I want to make sure that even when students are at home they are ready and prepared to evacuate at any given moment,” stated Gasparini.

Teachers’ New Posting Habits Cause Alarming After-Effects

“I was just trying to bake some chocolate chip cookies when my oven preheated and beeped and I lost control,” freshman, Hannah Fuchsberg, told us in a frenzy. “I began paraphrasing the recipe and only later did I find out that, due to my rephrasing, I had left out the sugar!”
Yam

Yampage

Yampage is the high-water mark for 21st-century student journalism, not only in the greater Jamesville-DeWitt metropolitan area, but also across the entire continent of North America and even the two French islands of St. Pierre and Miquelon off the eastern coast of Canada (Bonjour! Comment allez vous?). Yampage is an independently-run column, with our only tie to RamPage being that we have to pay rent to live here on their website (and they don’t allow pets!!!). Our crack staff of intrepid reporters covers only vital, breaking, and gluten-free news of the day. Contact us at yampage@jd.cnyric.org.