Saturday, October 23, 2021

Unbelievable!

Math Curriculum Excludes Quadratics in Order to “Flatten the Curve”

“I was told not to teach the quadratic formula this year even though it is nearly essential to my class,” Mrs. Sullivan said in an interview. “How can I prepare my students for the SAT or any math above geometry without x equals negative b plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus 4ac all over 2a?” 

Intrigue and Inconvenience: The Effects of the Blue Hall Construction

Once again, the administrators of Jamesville-DeWitt High School have asked themselves an important question: what is the most annoying and unnecessary renovation we can make to the school? In what ways can we inconvenience our mentally fatigued students even more? And it seems once again that they have the answer: renovating the Blue Hall. After staring down the Blue Hall for several hours, Principal Gasparini has come to the conclusion that our halls are just much too long and narrow for his comfort. Thankfully, the construction company that he has on speed dial dropped everything to help him for the 15th project in a row. 

Chamber Pots and Diapers: TikTok Trend Reinvents Student Bathroom Habits

I mean, that’s the natural way, right?

Students Weigh in on Spirit Week Themes

Hopefully, students will have enough spirit to not steal soap dispensers.

Secrets Behind Blue Hall Renovation Revealed

"I can't believe it!" exclaimed one junior while gazing longingly at the wall that separates the functioning part of the Blue Hall from the mystical land of the construction zone.

Daniel Tiger, COVID Denier

“My mom won’t let me watch ‘Daniel Tiger’ any more,” one five-year-old reported. “I told her that cancel culture has gone too far and that you have to separate the art from the artist.” 

Cootie Outbreak Causes Chaos, Confusion

They put girls and boys next to each other willy nilly. This is exactly why I was remote for the past year and a half.

If You Missed It

Yampage

Yampage is the high-water mark for 21st-century student journalism, not only in the greater Jamesville-DeWitt metropolitan area, but also across the entire continent of North America and even the two French islands of St. Pierre and Miquelon off the eastern coast of Canada (Bonjour! Comment allez vous?). Yampage is an independently-run column, with our only tie to RamPage being that we have to pay rent to live here on their website (and they don’t allow pets!!!). Our crack staff of intrepid reporters covers only vital, breaking, and gluten-free news of the day. Contact us at yampage@jd.cnyric.org.