Play-Doh

Who doesn’t like Play-Doh? And with ceramics classes using it as a clay replacement, now you can say it has some credibility when, in truth, you just want to feel like a kid again. And we’re just saying, there’s a large chance Play-Doh could become insanely valuable when ceramics classes begin to run out of it and are willing to pay any price for any type of pliable substance…

Some Zoom Backgrounds

While these technically are free, no one is going to use them unless they come with the obligations of a gift, and believe us, some of you guys out there really need to hide the beautiful scenery behind you (no one needs to relive the… distraction… of a sibling exiting the shower during a P.E. lesson).

A Dumb Phone

While a dumb phone means no Snapchat, TikTok, or Instagram (which The Social Dilemma would probably approve of), it will provide you with a scapegoat when your parents bug you about your smartphone usage. All you have to do is pull out this phone and remind them that the other option would be taking another entire week to respond to their texts because you’d be forced to type letters on a number pad.

A Syracuse Pennant

There’s not much else to say. You’re probably among the 78.1 percent of J-DHS students who will end up there, so why not go ahead and show some school spirit?

A Human-Sized Hamster Ball

Just because this was a phase back in late October and was quickly popped out of existence by “Students Against Those Totally Stupid and Horrendous Hamster Balls,” doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause. Still miles above face masks in both style and functionality, one of these is sure to get some actual use by that distant relative you haven’t seen in years, but still find yourself obligated to buy a gift for.

A Personal Container of Sanitizing Wipes

With the school’s sanitizing wipe collection being very inconsistent with some being as dry as a desert, why not just have a personal stash? We suggest storing them in a fanny container, similar to a fanny pack, but plastic, rectangular, and even more stylish. Another wipe-related gift could be…

Some of Mr. Sommer’s School-Sanctioned Sanitizing Wipes

I know. We all thought they had disappeared after the whole conga line debacle, but fear not, some chemistry students managed to figure out the secret formula during the madness and they are now being sold on the J-DHS Black Market (you didn’t hear about it here) for $99.99 (So they happen to be making a 90-dollar profit? Once you try them, you’ll never settle for Clorox again). Making up the other end of the J-DHS Sanitizing Wipe Spectrum of Inconsistency, these inebriating wipes are sure to add some rollicking fun to your holiday season.

A Broken Car Stereo that ONLY Plays Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”

When the holiday season officially ends on February 6th, the J-DHS administrators are sure to remove “All I Want for Christmas is You” from their playlist and what are you going to do? I know this hadn’t even crossed your mind yet, but that’s what we here at Yampage are for. Now, for only a trip to the local dump and a possible electrocution, you can get this stereo for yourself. It shouldn’t be hard to find (Yampage reporters noted that the old stereo could be heard from approximately 27.6 miles away), but you’ll need to hurry. There’s only one and the car is destined to be crushed sometime in the near future.

Gold

When the world inevitably returns to a barter system, why not have some extra gold in your possession? And with a gold mine right under the school, it’s a perfect time to support local businesses and secure some wealth for your future.

Yams (of course!)

Yams are easily the best gift to give your loved one this holiday season. As the most versatile as well as the least expensive item on this list, it can work as both a stocking stuffer and as your loved one’s big holiday gift.

*BONUS: Aveline Chocolat’s New Christmas Album*

This album has been in the works for quite a long time (almost eight years in fact), but “All I Want for Christmas is Aveline and Now You Can Have Her for Only $9.95” will surely not disappoint this holiday season. The new holiday hits found on this CD (yes, it can only be found in CD form) are sure to become household favorites. (NOTE: This bonus item was totally not added by your favorite loving editor, Aveline Chocolat, during editing without Josephine Dupuis’s consent. Hey, someone’s got to promote it; it’s only sold eight copies–which were totally not given to Yampage writers instead of their monthly salary of 25 yams.)