New, Truthful, Virtual College Tours

College tours. Ah, what a glorious time of year. When a bunch of stressed out, high school seniors mosey their way to a long list of universities, only to find that their 15-hour drive in that tiny, trash-ridden hunk of scratched metal they call a car wasn’t worth it after the first visit, because each place is kind of the same. But of course, this year things would have to be a little different with the end of the world seeming imminent. So colleges shifted to virtual tours, where prospective students can look at pictures and videos of every dining hall across the land. One good thing to come out of this is that many of these pictures taken prior to God’s death and Satan’s new reign include candid moments with current students in them, providing a more accurate depiction of student life. Here are some of our favorites. 

First we have the University of Wisconsin. Named the top party college for incoming freshmen by, we can see just how close the student body is in these photos. By the dorm bathrooms, we can see one student teaching another how to hide a tampon in a high heel. Clearly, we have a large feminist population here; we love to see women supporting women! 

Next, at NYU, we can get a glimpse into the lives of some of the most promising, young, slightly ostentatious artists living today, especially in Tisch. Over by the dining hall, looking past a massive pile of flicked cigarettes clearly never actually lit, we can find lots of interesting clothing choices from these young adults. One girl seems to take inspiration from Courtney Love but with a bit of Jojo Siwa added in to spice things up. An acting major can be seen in full French Victorian vintage, but she’s talking in a Southern accent, I guess practicing for a play by Tennessee Wilde or whatever his name is. There’s another guy on our left, but he looks pretty normal. He probably wanted to go to Boston Conservatory or something. 

Now for our personal favorite, Syracuse University. Hey look, this guy was a senior here when I was a freshman! And he’s walking with a girl who just graduated last year! Oh, and there’s another old classmate! And another. And another. Ok, so the entire student body seems to be JD alumni. Oh wait, there’s one from FM! Oh nevermind. Yeah, my bad, they also went to JD. Moving on! 

As we can see, these virtual tours provide a wonderful look at all the different kinds of college experiences you can have, so do your research and choose wisely! Not pictured: $60,000 in student loans. Good luck seniors!

Tretyakov Dmitriy (Dima) Stepanovich
Dima was a snake milker, crisis actress, and professional funeral goer for 27 years, before pursuing a degree in journalism (with two minors in Egyptology and Bagpiping and being in the LARPing club, not to brag) from Hamburger University in Oak Brook, Illinois. She relocated to Syracuse after graduating because she thought it was actually called Syrupcuse, and assumed this meant it was the maple syrup capital of the world, which makes no sense because this is America, not Canada. While in Syracuse, she got this job at YamPage by telling the interviewer that her mother had cancer and this job would help her pay the medical bills, which was entirely untrue, and Dima used the money instead to fund her miniature sculpture collection depicting life in Soviet Russia. She has since fled to a closed off area of the woods in the Adirondacks and built a log cabin by hand in order to avoid taxes and also other people, so if you need to contact her it would be best to do so through her previously conjoined twin before the illegal surgery they had in New Zealand, Becca Fitzgerald (‘22).