There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must move on from a place they call home. Abraham Lincoln had to leave the place he called home to end slavery. Vlad the Impaler had to leave the place he called home to defeat the Ottomans and also to impale some people. I had to leave the place I called home to get my degree in Mongoose Farming. And now Agatha Smoot will have to leave her home. For Agatha Smoot, this was the unused locker of Emily Ninestein. But in a much less literal sense, this home was Yampage.
What is a home? Is it a place where you sleep? Eat dinner? Store your elementary school report cards? Yes. Yes. Definitely yes. And has Agatha Smoot done all of these things at Yampage? You know she has. Now, Agatha will have to start sleeping and eating her dinner somewhere else. She will have to pack up her mildly-concerning elementary school report cards and find a new place to store them. She has not told us where this place is, but it’s probably… a place? Maybe?
Agatha, you and your prize winning butter will be missed. You have provided us with such great work, like, “Students Accidentally Get High Off School-Sanctioned Sanitizing Wipes, Form Giant Conga Line” or “Hand-washing Video Elicits Chaos and Confusion.” And how could we forget “Lizards, Lizards, and More Lizards,” the only Yampage article to ever receive a rebuttal? That makes it the only Yampage article that we can confirm someone read! That’s a big deal!
For the past year and a half-ish, Yampage has been your home. Now, it is time to go out there and make the world your bread and butter. We’ll miss you, but we know how to find you: with Xtra Cheddar Goldfish and a capella renditions of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Farewell, Agatha Smoot.