Every year, people around the world celebrate the New Year as if something will actually change other than the date. To distract them from their monotonous lives, people come up with New Year’s resolutions. If you want to give somebody an answer when they ask what your resolution is, keep reading.
Only buy pants without zippers and buttons.
Life is already hard enough; clear your closet of those time-consuming jeans and invest in drawstrings. Nobody has time to spend centuries putting on leg and butt covers in the morning. Have you ever tried to go to the bathroom with button-up jeans before? Trick question, you don’t. Plus, drawstrings are stretchy. I mean, you have to account for all of the weight you gain in the holiday season somehow. The best part: you’ll never have to buy pants again. If you only buy drawstring pants, you can just adjust them as you gain and lose weight. So, say goodbye to those zippers that everything gets caught in and stupid buttons, and say hello to drawstrings.
Start picking movies in under two minutes.
Everybody knows that half of the time you spend more time picking a movie out than actually watching it. Not because you and your friends can’t agree on a movie (you don’t have any of those), but because you deliberate for at least a half hour about what genre you want to watch. That doesn’t even include all of the trailers you watch, or the flipping through Hulu, Netflix, HBO Max, Amazon Prime, and Disney+. Do yourself a favor and stop being indecisive. It’s just a movie. It’s really not that deep.
Use the subtitle option on your TV.
This resolution was originally going to say “Start reading more,” but this is a realistic list, so we decided against that. Look: nobody reads anymore. To feel like you’re not sitting in bed eating Doritos and watching the seventh season of Grey’s Anatomy, turn the subtitles on. All of a sudden you’re reading an episode from the comfort of your bed and fueling your body with food.
Start communicating with only memes.
It’s 2023; sentences are so last year. I have never not been able to find a meme that doesn’t communicate exactly what I want to say. Why type out a sentence when you can spend seven minutes looking for the perfect meme to convey your emotions? I mean, it’s kind of a no-brainer, if you ask me.
Start celebrating obscure holidays.
Holidays don’t happen often enough. Make them happen by celebrating a different holiday everyday. Is Christmas your favorite holiday? Not anymore. Now, it’s Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.
Don’t buy a gym membership.
For the love of Pete (I don’t know a Pete), please stop buying a gym membership every January. You know you won’t use it. You’ll go once and be too embarrassed to do anything for fear of judgment from the gym bros. And don’t ask them for help. That’s an unwritten rule. You don’t want any of their testosterone rubbing off on you.
Start wearing flashy brands.
If you want everyone to know just how cool you are, show them by wearing their favorite brands. Don’t thrift and help the environment. Help yourself and show off. New year, new me? No. New year, new clothes.
Stop lying to yourself about New Year’s resolutions.
Finally, accept the fact that setting a major goal for yourself isn’t the solution to your life problems. If you really want a resolution to make a change in your life, at least make it something useful. Meme communication and drawstring pants are the future, trust me.
