YamPage’s New Goal

Look, it’s become very clear that you don’t read YamPage. It’s fine, you don’t have to hide it or anything. So, my goal for 2022 is simple: to increase readership. How am I planning on doing this? Getting YamPage cancelled.

My research has shown that saying controversial things is the easiest way to get attention in our modern society, so that’s what YamPage will start doing. Beginning on January 1, 2022, all of our articles will be intended to anger people. It doesn’t even matter who. We want to get reposted on as many of your very liberal/very conservative parents’ Facebook pages as possible. That’s right, we said “Facebook,” not “Meta” because we’re stuck in the past. So many of our other views are stuck in the past too and you’re going to get to hear them all come 2022—if that makes you angry. If not, our views are very progressive.

Do you feel strongly about any political issues? Yes? Good, we feel the opposite way. Take that and make sure you send it to your friends who have similar viewpoints. Did you like Ted Lasso? We freaking hated it. We think that Keeping Up With the Kardashians is the single greatest TV show of all time and that The Great British Baking Show should be meaner. Please post this on your Instagram with a caption like “Can you believe my school’s satirical newspaper said this? #CancelYamPage.” 

Please send us a list of things that anger you and we will publish articles about those things. We’re edgy. We’re not afraid to go there. We will push any hot button issue and you better believe we will burn our fingers in the process. Are we too challenging for you? You gonna complain about it? Try to get us in trouble? We all write under pseudonyms, so it doesn’t really matter anyway. 

Do you like puppies? Well, guess what? We’re anti-puppies now. Take that and post it on your Twitter. How about vaccines? Got any strong feelings about those? We here at YamPage are pro-smallpox. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Bet you hated that. And guess what, we’re also trying to boost our international readership. Be sure to forward all of your Norwegian friends our upcoming article about how Norway sucks. We’re also weirdly patriotic now. Please send us some hate mail.

Hate reading is still reading and we here at YamPage believe that nothing really matters other than readership. It’s time for a new era of YamPage. You’re gonna hate it.

Aveline Chocolat
Aveline Chocolat aka Jeanette Natalia Caramel aka Myrna Smush is a renowned journalist and billionaire. Ms. Chocolat/Caramel/Smush is a two time winner of the Miss Portugal beauty pageant. She won in 1986 and 2014. She has been called the fifth Beatle by people who are not familiar with the Beatles or numbers. She earned a degree in Mongoose Farming from Middle Tennessee State University. She claims she can see the future, but she refuses to give any specifics about her abilities. Despite her deathly yam allergy, she says she is very happy to be writing at YamPage…she also would like to ask “What is YamPage?” She’d call Anka Chiorini (’23) a good friend.