Yampage’s Guide to Pets

Many people have reported feelings of loneliness throughout the duration of this pandemic, but worry no longer. Our reporters at Yampage have the perfect antidote for this dilemma: GET A PET! Pets can be a top-rate companion during your time in prison… I mean… quarantine. Unsure of what type of pet best suits your lifestyle and personality? We’ve got your back! Read on to learn about our top five pet recommendations! 

5Hippopotamus

You might want to take a cue from the highly inspirational, hit song, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” and purchase a hippo to mark the passing of the next Hallmark Holiday. Seriously, this song tells you everything you’d ever need to know about owning a hippopotamus. Hippos are vegetarians, so they won’t eat you for breakfast. Your parents told you that a hippo would be too big to fit inside your house? Nonsense! There’s lots of room for him in your two-car garage. The hippopotamus amphibius is definitely NOT more dangerous to humans than an adult male lion, so it will be a breeze to train and will definitely not send you or your unsuspecting little sister to a lovely stay at the local hospital when it mauls you alive. You can have all the fun of owning this peaceful, non-life-threatening animal at the extremely low price of $100,000! Your college tuition and a good chunk of your first few hundred paychecks should just about cover the cost. A hippo is absolutely a better investment in the long term than a good education anyway. 

4Plains Zebra 

The plains zebra, native to the very mild temperatures of the Sahara, should have no problem at all adapting to the New York winter. The zebra, like the hippopotamus, is completely legal for anyone to own, especially if you don’t have a wildlife permit. You will not be fined or sentenced to prison if you are caught owning a zebra. Just think about how cool it would be to ride a zebra to school every day instead of taking the boring old bus! It’s much better for the environment anyway, and everyone will be so jealous of you. You’ll probably become the most popular person in the whole school, and everyone will want to be your friend. This is, by far, the easiest way to skyrocket to fame at your high school, so what are you waiting for? Adopt a zebra today! 

3Black Mamba 

If reptiles are more your speed, you should totally consider adopting a black mamba. These snakes, unlike other, more dangerous varieties, such as the milk snake or the garter snake, definitely don’t have a dangerously venomous bite that can kill you in thirty minutes, so they’re fun for the whole family! You don’t even have to build it a terrarium – just let it loose in your backyard! That won’t ruin the ecosystem at all. Your black mamba will quickly become your best friend. They are known for their lovable personality and gentle nature. 

2Sea-Monkeys 

Sea-Monkeys are, by far, the most interesting pets you could possibly own. You can train them to do all sorts of tricks, and you can definitely see them without a magnifying glass. They’re super fascinating to watch, and, unlike with a lame pet like a dog or a cat, you won’t get bored of them after five seconds. They will last longer than two weeks. We guarantee it! 

1Pet Rock

Please be warned: the pet rock is one of the most difficult species to take care of, but it is a worthwhile pet to many. Rocks, known for their liveliness, are not a pet for amateurs and should be treated as such. You should never leave your pet rock alone, and it should be your top priority in life because – and we can’t stress this enough – a pet rock is a serious commitment. It must be fed 77 times a day, and needs plenty of exercise, not to mention bathroom breaks. The general lifespan of a rock is something to take into consideration as well. In captivity, rocks can live for several thousand years, if not more, so be fully prepared to pass this rock onto your children. However, in the end, it is all worth it. Rocks are great listeners and a genuine inspiration to mankind, inspiring paintings, poems, and even a whole genre of music. With a rock at your side, you’ll probably become the next Van Gogh. 

Reginald Thumbington III was born sometime in the early 2000’s, but, because he has no brain, he cannot remember the precise time and date. He previously ruled over the Finger Lakes as a totalitarian dictator in an alternate dimension known as Handyland. A self-proclaimed Pastafarian messiah, Mr. Thumbington can often be seen attempting to convert unsuspecting victims to his eternal worship on Quora. In addition, he has many hand-tastic hobbies such as arm-wrestling, hoarding bracelets and bowties (as he is a Hand of Culture), and being better than everyone else. After being exiled from his Porcelain Throne on Handyland due to a democratic uprising following his ambiguous ban of rubber duckies, Reginald Thumbington III is excited to start his new career as a journalist at the only place that would hire him. He is hopelessly and permanently attached at the right elbow to Lizzie Van Buren (‘22) and loves to torture her by leaving smudges on her doodles on purpose.