Yampage to Receive No Funding in the 2020-2021 School Year

SOMEWHERE PAST JULY 2020- The JDHS 2020-2021 budget has been proposed and voted on. Changes are going to be made to hopefully better the school, after all, we are JD. But what exactly has passed? While there were many things in the original budget slide show, it seems that only two are going to be put into place, but one very important thing has been cut.

First, in a vote of 2,420 to 869, the community has voted for a couple of school buses to be replaced. What does this exactly mean? It means a state of the art bus with 26 seats (compared to 24) fully equipped with a new type of renewable energy. What is this “new” renewable energy you may ask? The perpetual anxiety of the students that ride on it. According to the manufacturer, the bus accesses the neurotransmitters in your brain via a chip that the student must have installed in their prefrontal lobe before entering the bus. Then, those neurotransmitters send a wavelength of energy into the chip, which is directly linked to the bus’s engine. It is unclear whether or not these buses will have an alternative power source, but as long as enough sophomores are taking Honors Bio, I’m not sure it matters.

The only other thing voted to pass was the district’s investment in another snowplow. In a vote of 2,069 to 1,420, it was clear the community wanted a $244,000 snow plow over water fountain filter replacements. Unfortunately for students, this snowplow also runs off another state of the art renewable energy. Running off the same chips that control the buses, this plow is run off the sadness of children as they hear that JD doesn’t have a snow day. As all their friends hop on Xbox or go outside to play, those children go outside as well— to catch the bus.

Finally, the greatest atrocity seen since the AP World History scores came out, YamPage is officially not receiving funding this year. I searched the plan far and wide, even using “control + F” to make sure I didn’t miss anything, but it was true. Nowhere was it mentioned that we would receive our annual $5 rent payment on the official RamPage website. What does this mean exactly? If we are not able to scrape together our payment, RamPage reserves the right to kick us off of their site. If we are booted from their site, we must fend for ourselves and that just will not do. In response to this, we declare October 29th National Yam Appreciation Day. Be prepared for yam pies, candied yams, yam guacamole, yam spice lattes, you name it, we got it! If you could also sign our official petition, that would be great.

Why should you sign this petition you may ask? There are plenty of reasons. For example, in this time of great confusion, we all need a place to get the freshest, most accurate news. Without funding, we will not be able to operate. If you take a look at our website you’d see the type of content we cover, everything from JD turning into an amusement park to fun Buzzfeed quizzes, we do it all. Nowhere else will you be able to get news as accurate as YamPage. If you still aren’t convinced, the pure entertainment value alone should be enough, nothing screams fun like a hot take on current issues at JDHS. If you value our publication, please sign the petition below.

The Petition: 

https://www.change.org/p/jdhs-needs-to-include-yampage-in-their-official-2020-2021-budget

Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.