Where The Yampage Seniors Are Headed Next

The month of April is notoriously known as the college commitment month. Well, if you’re a rural high school student it is. Seniors spend all year looking for the perfect college to fit their needs and their future to end up in the middle of nowhere and 200 thousand dollars in debt. Who would ever say no to that kind of opportunity? Here’s where YamPage seniors will be attending school after graduation. 

Starting with renowned multi-billionaire hotshot, Aveline Chocolat. Aveline has the money and resources to go to any school in the world. Yet, she chose a university in the Bermuda Triangle. Aveline will be attending Obtuse University to major in 3 Sided-Shape Studies with a minor in Pythagorean Theorem. “I think all shapes are wonderful, but three-sided shapes are my true passion in life. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” says Chocolat. The university, located in the part of the ocean where the most aircrafts have gone missing, has a reputation of throwing their students into the depths of the ocean if they fail a test. Chocolat says, “I find it absolutely exhilarating. Who knows, one morning I could wake up and just plummet into the ocean with absolutely no warning! I really think always having that idea in the back of my mind will really push me to study harder and succeed.” On behalf of YamPage, congratulations to Aveline, and we hope, for your sake, you become part of that 13% graduation rate. 

Next on the list of college commitments is ex-statueateir, Josephine Dupuis. Josephine will head off to Feltsmore-Mime College, a somewhat liberal arts college in– you guessed it– the middle of nowhere! No, seriously, the school is in Nowhere, Wyoming. Along with her classmates, Dupuis will spend plenty of time hanging around alpacas and yaks, as they make up 89% of Wyoming’s population. Dupuis will be studying puppetry (the art of puppets). Dupuis explains her reasoning for choosing her major by saying, “I don’t have a reason for choosing this, but boy, 4 years of learning about puppets. I cannot wait!” 

Last , but certainly not least, on the list of college decisions is former Archbishop of Winnipeg, Jimothy Rivers. After being removed from his position as Archbishop, being dishonorably discharged from the navy, getting his medical license revoked, being fired from his job as a professor for lodging a golf club into a students arteries, and being banned from Washington D.C. for using his position as director of the National Postal Museum to send harassment letters to his elderly neighbors, Jimothy has decided to start fresh. Again. Jimothy is no stranger to starting over, in fact, he does it every 4 to 6 months! That being said, no college in North or South America, or Europe, or Africa, or Asia, or Australia for a matter of fact, would accept Jimothy’s application. Jimothy has decided to start his own university in Luxembourg (one of the few countries he’s not banned from) that focuses on understanding the misunderstood. He has decided upon the name Falsch Verstanden University, meaning misunderstood in German. Jimothy currently has 4 applicants.  

YamPage is proud of each and every one of its writers and will miss them all dearly (except maybe Jimothy) in the upcoming years. We wish them all luck in their new ventures! 

Margret Tangerine
She's a world-renowned actress, writer, and director. Ever heard of her? Margret Tangerine is her name. If she's not on set working on a new hit movie, she'll be home on her couch working on a new novel. On the weekends you can catch her jetting off to France to work on the new Chanel collection in her finest pearls. If you don't know her by her acting or writing, you'll know her for being the granddaughter of the late Leonardo DaVinci, painter of the Mona Lisa. She recently divorced her former husband Leonardo DiCaprio after finding the Matisse he had hung in their foyer was a fraud. Some call her dramatic, but most call her what she is, a creative genius, that is. And one thing you should know is that she’d never be caught dead in a fake. The last person that accused her of owning a rip-off bag hasn’t been heard from since the late 1800’s. We know from the sounds of it, you’d wish you were Margret, an artist, an actor, a fashionista, and last of all, an icon. She can be contacted through her agent, Sophia Caputo (‘24).