Supervillains Found to Be Cause of Internet Issues

Photo by Cam Lensington

Undoubtedly, many of our loyal YamPage readers have been forced to sit through the multi-part video documentary series on RamFeed (J-D’s single best daily filmed newscast) about the troubles with the school’s internet. Oh, and you might have also experienced internet troubles. That simply makes the following information all the more pertinent to you.

It has recently been announced that the true cause of the school internet’s is not a lack of any cable, but something else entirely: supervillains. Sort of. A league of not-really-evil hackers has, for reasons unknown, decided to hijack Jamesville-DeWitt High School’s internet, holding it hostage for a period of time yet-unknown. 

In true cartoonish villain fashion, the group decided to exposit an unbelievably great amount of delicate information on a seemingly accidental video call. They announced that their self-given name was the “Intern Net,” which they explained (after finally realizing that the camera was on and that the staff of J-D was watching) was because their ranks consist of a myriad of J-D’s own interns, who have formed a NETwork of villainy, which is probably more self-explanatory than this writer has made it out to be.

Taking cues from old-fashioned children’s superhero shows, the Intern Net made a declaration of ill will toward the internet, with one of its members–sporting a silver, twirly mustache–claiming that students “spend too much time on those ding-dang telley-phones.” 

“We had no idea we even had any interns,” the staff of J-D told us when we asked why they were talking about internet issues. Although they seemed to have misunderstood us, it gave us the chance to inform our loyal readers here. “Wait, did you mean ‘internet?’” the staff elaborated.

Fear you not, Jamesville-DeWitt. If not for the fact that these “villains” seem highly unqualified, if not nerdy, fear not for the fact that we are blessed by the noble leadership of our staff, headed by Principal Lawson. And also for the fact that not having internet for a little while longer won’t kill us; we are J-D!

Anyway, have fun without the internet. If you’d read my bio, you’d know I’m relaxing comfortably on the ISS. Good luck, J-D!

Sue "Dough" Nim
Seventy-eight-year-old elven writer Sue Nim, also known as Dough, claims to hold the world record for eating unfried dough and fried dough simultaneously, so long as you respect his wish to not bother fact-checking that tidbit of information. Dough spends his free time attempting to convert his fellow astronauts to Healthaism, writing ukulele songs with only C-natural chords, and recording government-funded videos for students to watch in order to remember the English alphabet. Yes, you should subscribe to his YouTube channel. Situated on the International Space Station, he takes hours of his time to write for the loyal Yampagian readers that are his livelihood. Due to the distance between the ISS and Jamesville-Dewitt High School, Sue has hired a dashing and tall lad called Thomas Vander Molen (‘24) to gather information and bring his eight o’clock coffee every day.