Students Heartbroken Over Potential TikTok Ban

The past several months have been full of losses. First, we had to stop going to school. Next, we lost spring break. And now, arguably the saddest of all, we may lose TikTok.

“How am I supposed to live without TikTok?” JD senior and avid TikTok user Mena Coles-Carruthers told reporters. “I don’t even know what to do with my hands if I’m not hitting the whoa.” She then awkwardly placed her hand on her hip and burst into tears.

“I used to watch TikTok videos at lunch,” sophomore TikTok fanatic Fallon Coyle disclosed. “Since the potential ban, I’ve tried to watch videos from the New York City Ballet on YouTube instead, but it’s just not the same. I tried to do one of their moves and I pulled a muscle.”

“I was using TikTok dances for my remote fitness logs,” sophomore TikTok devotee Meghan Culligan stated. “I would just, you know, do ‘Renegade’ a couple of times and call it a dance class. Now what am I supposed to do, actually exercise?”

“I don’t know how to interact with people without TikTok,” sophomore Olivia Pontello expressed. “Usually my friends and I just film TikTok dances instead of actually talking. I don’t remember my friend’s names, I just called them by their usernames. How am I supposed to carry a conversation with these people?”

In the past few days, students and staff have noticed that a new, somber tone has swept through the previously noisy, TikTok-filled halls.

“Since the idea of the TikTok ban, I’ve noticed a significant decrease in joy among students,” assistant principal Ms. Johnson told reporters. “I’ve also noticed a decrease in the number of pencils on my desk. I think someone is stealing my pencils.”

“The loss of TikTok will leave a giant music-note-shaped hole in the hearts of the JD community,” Mr. Gasparini told the entire school over the loudspeakers. “But we will get through this because we are JD. To quote the great Charli D’Amelio, ‘I once saw a TikTok beauty hack about taking a hot bowl of water and using it to steam your face. I tried it, and it feels so good.’ At this time, juniors in the Blue Hall can report to the auditorium for their class meeting.”

Aveline Chocolat aka Jeanette Natalia Caramel aka Myrna Smush is a renowned journalist and billionaire. Ms. Chocolat/Caramel/Smush is a two time winner of the Miss Portugal beauty pageant. She won in 1986 and 2014. She has been called the fifth Beatle by people who are not familiar with the Beatles or numbers. She earned a degree in Mongoose Farming from Middle Tennessee State University. She claims she can see the future, but she refuses to give any specifics about her abilities. Despite her deathly yam allergy, she says she is very happy to be writing at YamPage…she also would like to ask “What is YamPage?” She’d call Anka Chiorini (’23) a good friend.