Star-Student Omicron

The marking period is over and grades are coming out. Of course, everyone has anxiously been awaiting the first-ever YamPage honor roll, the Yam’s List. This list is the first of its kind, and obviously the best. So, without further ado, we thought we’d share the top student on the Yam’s List. 

Coming in hot at number one: the Omicron variant! Everyone’s favorite COVID strain blew away the other competition with its perfect attendance and fantastic infection scores. It silently stalked up when nobody was expecting it and dominated like that one kid in Kahoot (you know who I’m talking about). Yours truly had no choice but to give Omicron first place. It definitely deserves it. 

Omicron (or Cronny, as I like to call it) has outstanding grades in all subjects. If we still gave out stickers, it would get a gold star. A+ in Geometry (the curves it makes are incredible), A+ in Science (as any good variant should have), A+ in Spanish (as would be expected with its expansive travel experiences. I mean, it’s even been brave enough to visit Australia! I forgot that place existed!), A+ in English (I’ve seen some of the mask mandates it’s written. Wow. Any English teacher would be astonished by its literacy. Take notes, future Yam’s Listers), and, of course, an A+ in History, with 47 pages of paraphrasing homework completed and an in-depth understanding of the history of viruses. For Omicron, it was more like learning about its family tree, but history is history and it is outstanding at it. Honestly, getting a personal interview with Delta? I’ve never seen such dedication! 

The electives it chose are interesting and unheard of. For example, Splitting Atoms? Genius. I would love to have half the talent Omicron has with spreading its variant. And I’m sure students getting over Omicron’s infectious friendship would love to be in multiple places at once. 

The second elective it chose was How to Get Through Masks. While it is a notably tricky course, Omicron performed exceptionally. KN95s are its latest challenge, and while it’s having trouble at the moment, I have no doubt that its incredible persistence and flexibility will allow it to break through. 

All in all, Omicron was the perfect student this year. Not only did it perform well in traditional classes, but it also managed to fulfill the taxing requirements of making it onto the Yam’s List. Of course, any dedicated YamPage reader knows these requirements, but allow me to recap. To make the Yam’s List you must:

  1. Have eaten at least 4,001 potato varieties. Yes, you must create one of your own. 
  2. Go gluten free so you can enjoy potatoes every day. 
  3. Go to the base of Mount Everest to borrow a package of freeze-dried potatoes. 
  4. Attend exactly 49.978346% of a YamPage meeting.

And finally, perhaps the easiest of all, 

  1. Start a yam farm chain that dominates the yam economy. In order to dominate the yam economy, you must have at least 30 different yam farms on infertile land and sell a majority of your yams to YamPage staff members.

Omicron passed in flying colors. If you check your nearest bag of yams, there should be a new strain of potato created by our wonderful Omicron. 

Oh, and second place on the Yam’s List was the gum under the desks. It was a far second. Not many things can find it within themselves to complete five simple tasks apparently. 

Anyway, congratulations to Omicron for making it onto the prestigious Yam’s List and for being such a role model for all young viruses. It truly is inspirational. If you’d like a shot at the next marking period’s Yam’s List, simply complete the tasks above. Don’t worry about contacting us. We’ll know. 

Asparagus Fern (born 1236 BCE) was a war correspondent stationed in Clipperton Island (a strip of sand off the coast of Mexico) during the Vietnam War. They have since retired and now write for Yampage to “relive the glory days.” Asparagus Fern has been married 700 years to the saguaro cactus Udderly Zucchini. The couple has had quite a lot of plant babies, including the many Christmas trees of Rockefeller Center and Groot. In their spare time, Asparagus Fern enjoys breathing underwater and taming dragons. They play bridge every Wednesday with the local crazy cat ladies. Fern lives near Spiky Olivia, wherever that might be, and refuses to comment if they like asparagus or not. For watering information, contact Paloma Arena (‘25).