We all miss the most wonderful time of the year when winter break lurked like a hall monitor around every corner at J-D. Rumor even had it that the school board had planned to switch J-D’s signature scarlet and white for red and green in honor of the holiday season, but disappointingly they didn’t follow through. Every Friday promised a Christmas competition more elfish than the last, complete with a “Screw Your Zodiac Sign, Which OG Reindeer Are You?” BuzzFeed quiz. It was a shame to confine the ugly sweaters back to their boxes.
With Happy HondaDays and the Toyota Sales Event gone, the new year arrived. We stayed up past our bedtimes to watch the privileged party with Avril Lavigne on ABC News, swirled sparkling apple juice in our parent’s wine glasses. However, since 2020, the star of our midnight soirée has been Spotify Wrapped. This year, we gained access to our personalized playlists in early December. The event was meant for reflecting on the positives of our hellish year, and what a gift, to be blessed with a music taste you outgrew in July.
The freshmen ask, where does Spotify Wrapped come from? We at YamPage believe in honest, fresh answers to questions of all kinds, so to reply to such a query: the stats of your musical year are the work of our own staff.
That’s right, YamPage staffers are not only world-renowned reporters, but now computer geniuses. To aid concern, don’t be upset that your privacy was violated; we all got quite a kick out of the number of times you listened to the Coconut Mall theme from MarioKart Wii.
I understand that such information may become upsetting to some students and faculty, but believe me, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So what if your only music taste comes from 2000s throwbacks? Nobody’s judging you except the thirty-something writers of the RamPage (yes, we let the whole team in on your Olivia Rodirgo phase) and the many followers of our Twitter account, where we posted screenshots of your top songs of 2021. I didn’t know so many members of the student body enjoyed the Backyardigans’ music to such an extremity.
In the previous year, Spotify Wrapped was sponsored by its namesake company, coded by functioning members of society. Unfortunately, the technicians up at Spotify HQ suffered food poisoning (we think it was the yams) and the YamFam took the wheel without license. Our group of ragtag creatures broke into the system and cranked out your custom playlists and slideshows. You’re very welcome. We accept payments via cash, check, or cat food in ceramic dishes left outside of R15.
To those who wonder, who was Gaspo’s most played artist? It’s hard to tell, but he did have “Planet Her” topping all other albums. Needless to say, Jamesville-DeWitt has some pretty elite listeners. By that I mean, everyone who streamed Mitski this year.