Shocked And Devastated Seniors Learn That An Advanced Regents Diploma Literally Means Nothing

The school year has yet again come to an end. For the senior class at J-D, this means it’s time to finally receive those long awaited diplomas. Some will receive a standard high school diploma, while others shall receive the coveted advanced regents diploma. But what does this even mean? What is so special about an advanced regents diploma? 

The answer is nothing. Literally nothing. I’ve spent days researching and calculating the value of receiving one and it’s non existent. 

You can imagine how surprised J-D seniors were at this upsetting news. “I honestly forgot that was even a thing. But now that you mention it, I still don’t really care.” says newly minted graduate Abby Morgan. Morgan was the only one to respond to my request on Twitter for comments from the senior class. I imagine the rest were so overwhelmed with sadness over the news that they couldn’t bear to talk about it. 

Due to the overwhelming silence from the senior class, I decided to talk to members of the administration about this discovery. But all that Superintendent Peter Smith had to say on the matter was “What are you doing on my doorstep and how did you find my address?”

So, at the end of the day, is an advanced regents diploma worth the effort? Well, based on what I’ve learned from yet another one of my classic investigative endeavors is that the advanced regents diploma does not matter, but you’ll probably just end up with one without even realizing it. Along with Hole in the Wall Club, the advanced regents diploma’s significance forever remains a mystery to the J-D community. 

Raffaele Quintino
Raffaele Quintino was born in Idaho in 1956. Before Yampage, he served as a spy for the FBI. Raffaele is, in fact, not his real name. In his lifetime, he has been assigned over 150 different identities by the witness protection program. This is because of all the enemies he made throughout his career. He is actually banned from Russia, North and South Korea, most of the Netherlands and all the Dollar Generals in Wisconsin. He did not wish to elaborate on the last one, but explained in full detail what he did to make Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un cry via Facebook messenger. He wants to write for Yampage because he feels he can add a “personal touch” to the articles. “As an FBI agent, I was able to learn a lot about people through their phone cam- I mean by talking to them when I was doing normal FBI things not related to watching people on phone camera- damn it, never mind.” Raffaele’s writing style mimics that of Abby Morgan (’20).