Good ol’ Reggie T: ex-totalitarian dictator, devout Pastafarian, journalist extraordinaire—and now a self-help guru—here to solve your most pressing issues. He has recently done some very thorough research into the minds of high schoolers (and totally not by spying on them as they held their most juicy conversations), and now he’s ready to take on the world. Your world, that is! Read on to hear his advice.
Student: Help! I have a math test next period and I didn’t study!
Reginald’s advice: Why study? Why do math? Heck, why even go to school at all? I never went to school and look at how great I turned out! Here’s my solution in three easy steps:
- Stop going to school. Who cares about the square roots of imaginary numbers? They aren’t even real numbers! If you can count to five, that’s all you’ll really need to succeed in life. (I only have five fingers after all, and no brain).
- Become the all-powerful leader of an alternate dimension. This is such a simple and foolproof task that I don’t believe it needs any more explanation than this.
- Ban math forever. Then, you’ll automatically get an A on every math test because there will be no math tests.
Student: There’s this cute girl I like, but I don’t know how to get her to notice me.
Reginald’s advice: Get past all that mushy crush stuff! If you like a girl (or guy, or anyone in between) then you gotta take a hint from my friend Margret Tangerine and give them a frog. They’ll fall straight in love with you, guaranteed. Frogs are really in this season. At least, that’s what she says. If the frog thing doesn’t work, then at least you have a pet to keep you company in your misery. Love is overrated anyway. Frogs live much longer than the average high-school romance.
Student: My friends want to go to Chipotle, but I want to eat at Burger King. What do I do?
Reginald’s advice: First of all, you all have terrible taste in food. Like, two thumbs down taste in food. The only acceptable foods are finger sandwiches and ladyfingers. Get that into your head. The second thing you need to get is new friends. Seriously. You march on over and tell them this: “If it ain’t my way, it’s the highway!” Compromising is for losers. Eat all the burgers and kings you want with your new posse of like-minded, terrible-taste-in-food friends. Until they disagree with you on anything. Then it’s hello to the guillotine for them.
Student: There’s this really annoying person in my history class and I’m stuck sitting next to them. Should I ask the teacher to move my seat?
Reginald’s advice: No way, José! What are you, a coward? Make their life miserable until THEY are begging the teacher to move THEM! There’s so much potential here and you were going to waste it! You can shoot spitballs at them, put gum in their hair, or even poke their eye out with a pencil. The possibilities are endless. Your problems are way too easy! I just solved them effortlessly. You really need to get some new material.
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