New Program Inspired by Monsters Inc. Provides Safety to Bathroom-Goers

In these unprecedented times, administrators and staff have been forced to come up with solutions to problems they’ve never had to face before. While some may consider scheduling and balancing in-person and remote learning to be of the most importance, Mr. Gasparini has been focusing on some overlooked issues. His favorite ongoing project, he didn’t hesitate to tell us, solves many of the problems surrounding bathroom trips for in-person students.

“It’s a brilliant plan, I must say. But who could expect less? We are JD after all,” he boasted over the phone to YamPage reporters. “However, before I start discussing its ingenuity, I would first like to give credit to my inspiration: Monsters Inc. Or as I like to call it: ‘The Greatest Movie of All Time.’ Talk about outstanding characters, plot, and themes. What beautiful animation…”

He continued on to give us his full review of Monsters Inc. and Monsters University including a surprisingly decent “Roz” impression. If you would like to hear this in its entirety, we’re sure he would be all too willing to tell you.

“Anyway, one of my favorite parts is when George Sanderson repeatedly gets jumped on by the CDA for breaking Code 2319.” In normal people’s terms, he’s referring to the part where one monster goes through a thorough sanitation process performed by the Child Detection Agency (CDA) a number of times to get rid of any human germs. “And I thought to myself, in times like these, JDHS really needs its own CDA to keep the building and its students safe. Of course, I had to make a few tweaks, but I think the greatness of the original still remains.”

Mr. Gasparini has started a program known as T.E.A.S.E. which stands for The Escorting And Sanitation Establishment. Separated into two different agencies, one is in charge of escorting students from classroom to bathroom while avoiding unneeded interaction and the other is in charge of sanitizing the bathrooms between uses. While the Escorting Agency is being staffed by study hall students, Mr. Gasparini has recruited directly from Monstropolis for the Sanitation Agency.

“Anyone who’s seen Monsters Inc. knows that many former CDA agents are searching for employment and as soon as I informed them that they would be able to wear their old CDA uniforms again, I was flooded with applications,” Mr. Gasparini told us. 

With each CDA suit specially designed for the individual agent (in a stunning light mustard hue I might add), they truly are the pinnacle of fashion and we can understand why the agents wouldn’t pause for a moment before accepting the offer to wear them again.

 “And for the Escorting Agency, what’s better than study hall students?” Mr. Gasparini said. With a startling 76.2 percent of students taking a study hall this year due to the complicated scheduling, we have to agree. “When I shared my plan with them,” he added, “most were very willing to sacrifice their studying time in order to roam the halls for me.”

When the school year began, we didn’t hesitate to jump into the high school’s hallways to see T.E.A.S.E. in action.

“I think it’s one of the greatest ideas ever,” one agent told us as he escorted a fellow student safely to a bathroom. We were unable to identify him due to our distance of six feet and his mandatory uniform: a black suit with a black mask and tinted sunglasses. “I get to escape my boring study hall to walk around the halls and meet up with frie- I mean guide totally random students who I’ve never met and totally don’t plan to meet up with to the bathroom safely.”

Sophomore Gavin Botto, who was being escorted by the agent, also gave a glowing review, making sure to emphasize the security the agents provided and their professionalism all while (we’re making educated guesses here) smirking at his agent friend… I mean escorter.

The Sanitation Agency was far less open to interviews, and when we finally caught them at their secret hideout on the roof of the high school, they slipped through a random door they must have set up and disappeared.

“I’m glad to hear T.E.A.S.E. was such a hit,” Mr. Gasparini, most likely beaming proudly under his mask, told us when we informed him of our findings. “I knew combining two of my favorite things, Monsters Inc. and JD, would be a major success.”

Might we venture to say this success has brought Mr. Gasparini’s innovative self-confidence to a whole new, somewhat frightening level? Possibly. So if I were you, I would be on the lookout for more exceedingly ambitious Monsters Inc. related projects in the future. And remote students, watch out. Mr. Gasparini may have mentioned hiring old Monsters Inc. scarers to come in and wake you up right at 7:00 AM.

Josephine Dupuis
Josephine Dupuis was born in the late 1910s (she forgot which year) as Helen Smith. World-renowned for her work as a human statue in New York City, she decided to change her name in order to fully embody the heritage of her muse, The Statue of Liberty. After losing her job during the Great Depression, she tried a wide variety of occupations, ranging from potato farmer to bounty hunter, but none of them brought her the same passion as being a human statue. She’s hoping that her new job in journalism will spark a flame in her 100-and-something year old heart. She is dedicating all her articles to her two favorite great-great-grandchildren, Yammy and Paige. She is a long-lost cousin of Madie Phillips (’23).