New Mascot Incites Conspiracies

Undoubtedly, after having your classes shortened on an AP Exam day only to be shepherded into an assembly, you knew exactly what’s going on here. Jamesville-Dewitt High School now has a mascot, a true Red Ram. However, a few weeks in, little is known about its true purpose or intentions.

Due to the mystique of the unnamed Red Ram, rumors and conspiracy theories have been echoing throughout the halls of J-D, whispered by the fearful, the skeptical, and those who are bored of their English class.

One popular theory claims that the Ram is a new take on the concept of a hall monitor. This conspiracy cites several facts and observations, such as sightings of the Ram wandering the halls with a siren during classes. Some even point to its forward-facing eyes, a biologically evolutionary sign of a predator. All of this evidence supposedly supports that the Ram is out to guard the halls of J-D.

Another would have you believe that the Ram, named “Rini,” is the previous J-DHS principal Mr. Gasparini come back to be amongst the students once more, no longer able to stand being away from the school–the kind of school spirit that a mascot embodies.

Some say that the Ram is actually a student, possibly even being the school’s very own semi-famous flag-runner, Ian McIntyre, who was reportedly missing during the debut of the Ram. But that can’t possibly be the Ram’s identity, right? Right?

When asked for an interview, the Ram stared blankly at our reporter, speechless. When asked about the possibility of communication through sign language, the ram shook its head “no.” While little is known about the Ram’s identity–or even its name–it has displayed nothing but single-minded determination to champion J-D’s school spirit, a good sign for the school’s future.

Actually, about the Ram’s name, can we give it a name? Is J-D’s best and only satirical news publication allowed to name the school’s mascot? How about we try. Here’s a call to all loyal YamPage readers: let’s try naming the Ram. How about Red? Ricardo? Reginald? Actually… I think this is why names aren’t for satirical publications to decide, no matter how absolutely fabulous and possibly factual the publication is.

Here’s a better call to action: keep the conspiracy theories coming, J-D! Actually I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that…

Sue "Dough" Nim
Seventy-eight-year-old elven writer Sue Nim, also known as Dough, claims to hold the world record for eating unfried dough and fried dough simultaneously, so long as you respect his wish to not bother fact-checking that tidbit of information. Dough spends his free time attempting to convert his fellow astronauts to Healthaism, writing ukulele songs with only C-natural chords, and recording government-funded videos for students to watch in order to remember the English alphabet. Yes, you should subscribe to his YouTube channel. Situated on the International Space Station, he takes hours of his time to write for the loyal Yampagian readers that are his livelihood. Due to the distance between the ISS and Jamesville-Dewitt High School, Sue has hired a dashing and tall lad called Thomas Vander Molen (‘24) to gather information and bring his eight o’clock coffee every day.