New CollegeBoard Announcement: AP Lunch Credits No Longer Accepted

In a shocking turn of events, colleges across the nation have recently announced that, as per CollegeBoard mandates, AP Lunch credits will no longer be accepted. Instead, all prospective college freshmen will be required to take an equivalent Lunch course at the college. High schoolers throughout the Central New York area are furious about this new requirement. 

One JDHS student, whom we were too afraid of to ask her name, cornered a lone YamPage reporter to state that “It’s ridiculous! I spent all this time and effort eating high quality lunches in a quiet, tastefully decorated cafeteria, and now they [CollegeBoard] come in and say it’s all for nothing? That I’ll need to do it all over again in college? This is not what I paid a $180 for!” Luckily, the reporter in question was able to sneak away before sustaining any incidental injuries.

While students already in AP Lunch are understandably annoyed by this development, many students in the school were seemingly not aware of the class in the first place. A napkin taped to the wall in the cafeteria held a message addressed to the YamPage staff: “I’m shocked that the faculty didn’t tell us about this! Even if it won’t be accepted for college credit, AP Lunch seems like it would be an excellent educational opportunity.”

However, As well-versed readers of YamPage are sure to know, each story has more than one side. To that end, we tried to get a hold of CollegeBoard to see their side of the story. However, as YamPage was unable to afford an interview with a member of the CollegeBoard staff, we instead used a puppet controlled by our on-staff ventriloquist. The performance was so convincing that it almost seemed like a CollegeBoard rep themself was saying “Honestly, our whole business model is overcharging for educational services. If you were expecting us to deal fairly or honestly, you have no one to blame but yourself.”

In related news, CollegeBoard has recently announced its plans for AP Study Hall, where students can prepare to face the rigors of avoiding their homework in college by not having any supervising teachers to tell them that they really should just sit quietly and get some work done.

Jimothy Rivers
Archbishop Lieutenant Director Professor Doctor Jimothy Rivers has previous work experience as the archbishop of Winnipeg, a lieutenant in the Royal Canadian Navy, the director of the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C., a professor of golf management at Idaho State University, and as a dermatologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. In his free time he enjoys playing a variety of sports, with his favorites being extreme ironing and combat juggling. He is currently retired from all of his jobs except teaching at Idaho State and writes articles for YamPage in between classes, hoping to gain another title. He can be reached through his unpaid intern Bohdin Bright ('23) with questions about his articles or extra credit opportunities.