As the 2021-2022 school year starts up, teachers have been tirelessly working to finalize their curriculum. English teachers are freshening up on “Beowulf” and science teachers are preparing to explain that students should not leave the gas from their bunsen burner on. However, math has had a slight change this year.

“I was told not to teach the quadratic formula this year even though it is nearly essential to my class,” Mrs. Sullivan said in an interview. “How can I prepare my students for the SAT or any math above geometry without x equals negative b plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus 4ac all over 2a?” 

Because encouraging mask-wearing in New York has not worked to as high a standard as the state government would like, they were forced to take action in the classrooms. Mr. Gasparini received a letter from New York State Governor Kathy Hochul with the following excerpt, “We need to teach students to flatten the curve. As a result, we cannot teach quadratic functions. Linear is okay, but no quadratics. If you can only teach y equals x equations, that would be even better. Attached you will find the first page of review for this year’s Regents exam.”

The first page of a 2022 Regents exam only features y=x equations.

This mandate is subject to change at any point, however. If there is a significant decrease in COVID-19 cases in Onondaga County, J-DHS teachers may be able to go back to their normal curriculum. But until then, J-DHS students should be looking towards a very straightforward year of math.

Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.