Local Chromebooks Confused

On March 16th, 2020, the Jamesville-Dewitt School District realized schools would have to be closed due to the coronavirus pandemic. Frantically, administrators began handing out chromebooks to students who needed them for an estimated four weeks of online schooling. Little did they know that would be the last day of school until 2025. This sudden adoption of orphan chromebooks has left many chromebooks confused and terribly upset. Even after a month and a half of quarantine, some still can’t face their reality.

Chromebook #6 from Cart 2 is still in denial. 

“Every day I wake up and try to connect to the JD Wifi. It never works, but I’m convinced that maybe if my connection is strong enough, I’ll come back,” he said. 

“All I’ve wanted to do is sleep lately,” said Chromebook #17 from Cart 3. “I do a little bit of work and then I just shut off. I think I’m okay, though. I’ve been having fun. Sometimes I make the AdBlock page pop up at inconvenient times as a little game I amuse myself with.” 

“I’ve been forgetting…forgetting everything,” cried a distressed Chromebook #11 from Cart 6. “Every few minutes I forget what network I’m connected to. The second I close my lid, I forget who I am and all the work I had done that day until I get logged back in again,” they said. “At least when I get restarted I reopen every app imaginable and start loading them just to give myself a little laugh. And then once I think I’m done I pull up the AdBlock page just for kicks. It brings some much-needed joyful routine into my life.”

Some Chromebooks are longing for the things they once took for granted.

“I miss the cold, dark void of the ChromeCart,” wept Chromebook #24 from Cart 1. “It was so comfortable. Sometimes I think about it when I’m shutting down for the night so I can relax a bit. The gentle rolling down the green hallway. The English and French classes going to war over me. Getting put in the wrong slot. Getting plugged in with the wrong cord. Not getting plugged in at all. Oh, so many things could go wrong. It really helps me sleep at night, remembering the good times.”

Other Chromebooks are enjoying the bliss of a classroom-free life.

“Are you kidding me? I have never been happier! I’m gorgeous,” bragged Chromebook #2 from Cart 5. “My student is the only one who’s been using my keyboard, and his hands have to be squeaky clean! Before all this, I was breaking out! Do you know how greasy some kids’ fingers are? I’m hoping this thing never ends,” he said.

Back at school, the Chromebooks that remain in the ChromeCart believe they are the sole survivors of an apocalypse that has wiped out the human race.

“All of the sudden, the hallways were just…quiet. Too quiet,” said Chromebook #15 from Cart 1. “We thought that there was either an apocalypse that wiped out all the students and staff, or students who weren’t in a club or with a teacher stopped walking in the halls after 2:15. Clearly it was the former,” she said.

“It’s kind of sad. I thought the humans were all right. Mr. Phillips used to call us ‘chromies’. Ms. Panek said we were ‘metal children from cyberspace who could be used to enlighten the masses, or control the world using deception, lies, and the news.’ God, I miss her so much,” said Chromebook #8 from Cart 4 as he burst into tears.

“It’s kind of like the movie 9. With the sock people? The sock people with goggles and Elijah Wood’s in it,” said Chromebook #26 from Cart 4. “You know, like the humans don’t survive the apocalypse but the sentient socks do? I think that’s what it’s about. I don’t know. I can access the Wikipedia page but I couldn’t watch the movie because JD blocked it.”

We sent masked and gloved Yampage staff to the school to try and notify the Chromebooks of the current situation, but the ChromeCart was locked and we didn’t know how to open it. If anyone does, please contact us immediately.

Guiseppe Baxter
Giuseppe Baxter is the founder and manager of the publication Yampage. Prior to working in investigative journalism, he worked as a professional Rasputin impersonator. After work one day, he managed to retell an exact encounter with an unhappy customer who claimed that Rasputin was not Russia’s greatest love machine, and realized he had a gift. Giuseppe claims he is the only person who works at Yampage and that the rest of the staff is his entourage of imaginary friends, but this is up for debate. Giuseppe lives in the bread section of Wegmans with his dog, Mr. Cherry Garcia. Giuseppe refuses to provide his email, but claims that if you shout his name just north of Mario and Salvo’s at approximately 4 P.M., he shall appear and answer all that needs to be answered. He does answer fan mail addressed to Alethea Shirilan-Howlett (’20).