Every student at J-DHS has learned about the American Revolution and all the acts and disputes leading up to it approximately 126 times during their academic career. However, for some reason, APUSH students this year have started to see these events as something more than just the foundation of our country; they’re seeing them as a call for a revolution of their own. Their battle cry: “no education without a reasonable lack of expectations.”
Now, you may be asking yourself: why have droning lectures and endless textbook readings ignited such a fiery response? Or, more specifically: why are some of the most academically strong students wanting less schoolwork? These are very legitimate questions, but, sadly, we are not 100% sure of the answers. Is it because Mr. Bunyan and Mr. Cottet are actually really animated speakers? Maybe. Is it the fact that junior year is exhausting, especially after being forced to fully return to school for five days a week? Possibly. All we know is that a revolution is about to begin.
And to figure out all the details of the ongoing uprising, we talked to junior Hannah Fuchsberg, the leader of the revolution: “The administration’s expectations exactly mirror the absurdity of King George III and Britain’s requests leading up to the American Revolution. Making us go to school for seven hours a day so they can provide us with an education? Intolerable Acts 2.0, come on. Making us have to do actual work to get good grades? I mean, why not excessively tax our Starbucks lattes and note packets already?” she said angrily before returning to her desk to do her Pre-Calculus homework with a graphing calculator.
“Oh, I know exactly what this is all about,” Principal Gasparini stated calmly as he reclined back in his chair, his hands folded across his chest. “Fist bumps. Due to the pandemic, students haven’t been receiving the important connection with the administration that comes through my extraordinary fist bumps. It really saddens me, Ms. Dupuis, it really does. I know my fist bumps provide countless students with the energy needed to turn in awesome assignments; I know my fist bumps are an integral part of why J-DHS is the best school in the whole world — as António Gueterres would say. But once this whole pandemic thing passes over, their fist bump needs will be filled and I’m sure this so-called revolution of theirs will die down.”
“Fist bumps, are you serious?” Fuchsberg retorted, totally disgusted, slamming closed her APUSH textbook which she was rebelliously not taking notes on. “That’s all just a diversion; a fear of facing the truth. If that was truly the problem, our fist bump ‘needs’ would be met and we’d just sanitize our hands afterward. No, this is something that should have been dealt with much, much earlier. No longer will hard work and effort be a reasonable expectation for us. No, it’s time for the bare minimum!”
While the juniors might have seen their actions—not asking for additional chemistry practice problems, going home at 2:15 instead of 3:30—as highly rebellious, many teachers, to their surprise, weren’t phased at all. Often, they were even supportive. AP language teacher Courtney Romeiser told the YamPage, “Of course I don’t appreciate the fact that my students aren’t putting their total effort into my practice essays, but also, that conciseness is, in the end, perfect practice for writing an essay in 40 minutes. I look forward to reading their well-developed theses on why, or why not, doing a regular amount — I mean, the bare minimum — of schoolwork is beneficial.”
However, after getting too much sleep at night (a remarkable six hours) and realizing that they actually need to impress their teachers in order to get good college recommendations, their revolution drew to a close.
“Many of the colonists’ problems with the British were exaggerated anyway,” Fuchsberg said as she did her Spanish homework without Google Translate by her side again. “Now, leave me alone. I want to try to get interviewed by the RamPage. A real newspaper interview would look better on my college application.”