J-DHS Undergoes Copyright Lawsuit After Playing Music in the Mornings

Photo by Katrina Aimée Naimes

DECEMBER 8- Students piled into the halls of J-DHS to get to their first period classes. All seemed normal until 7:30 a.m. when Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” started to play through all intercoms on repeat until classes started at 7:45. While remote students were completely unaware of this incident, their in-person peers were suffering.

In an interview with a senior who couldn’t remember their own name, they said, “I started losing my mind when they started playing “All I Want for Christmas is You,” but, somehow, this is worse. It might be that it was playing for a solid 15 minutes, or that I’ve been corrupted so badly by Mariah Carey that this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.” They then exited the interview site yelling things to the sky like, “You can’t make me go back,” and “I don’t need a GED, I bet ya caviar harvesters don’t have GEDs.” No one has heard or seen them since, but we wish them the best with their caviar excursions. 

DECEMBER 10- Once again, students piled into the halls of J-DHS to get to their first period classes. Although they hoped and prayed that there would be no music coming out of the loudspeakers, their hopes were to no avail. As soon as the clock struck 7:30 a.m., “Party in the USA” played once again. However, this time students came prepared. Armed with $4 in assorted pocket change, about 50 students of all ages stormed the main office demanding the music be stopped in exchange for the money. According to a student present, “It was a small price to pay for sanity.” This time they achieved their goal and “Party in the USA” was stopped.

In an interview with Mr. Gasparini, he said, “Although $4 isn’t a lot of money, we will definitely put it to good use. If you looked at our budget plan, we almost had to cut some funds from the football team. Luckily, this money can go to the English department for a couple of books or something and we can give money previously allocated to them to the athletic department.” 

DECEMBER 11- A cease and desist letter was sent to the high school’s main office from Hollywood Records, the label company for “Party in the USA.” They had apparently gotten word that J-DHS was playing their song and, as a result, made monetary gain. We do not currently know the status of this case, or how the administration plans to deal with it, however we will keep you updated.

Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.