J-DHS Successfully Flattens the Curve

JANUARY 10—The nation, and the world for that matter, is being plagued with a new variant of COVID-19: the omicron variant. However, against all odds, the Jamesville-DeWitt Central School District has risen up and flattened the curve.

“You see, the line is flat,” Principal Gasparini said in an interview with YamPage. “They never said what axis it had to be flat against, just that the curve had to be flat. If we’re looking at the same graph, that line is flat.”

To further push the sentiment that J-D is doing great at controlling the spread of the virus, he sent out the following graph in an email to parents while discussing what the district has been doing to stop the spread (however, this email was not sent to teachers or students because they don’t need to know about any of that).

After asking nicely (along with a subpoena), YamPage was able to receive the following excerpt from the email sent out: “After successfully socially distancing in the classrooms, we have decided to give the students a break during their lunch periods. Here, they only have to be one foot away from each other, don’t have to wear masks, and don’t have plastic dividers in between them. Now, this may seem illogical and contradictory to our other policies, but we did ask COVID quite firmly not to infect anyone. If you take a look at the graph we created, it seems to have been working quite well.”

Gasparini’s graph, which features an astonishing lack of curve.

This situation is developing as we continue to receive snippets from the email not sent to us.

Digby Thanoscar
Digby Thanoscar is a proud New Yamsterdam native with a background in botany and underwater welding. When not writing for Yampage, Thanoscar enjoys watching "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives," and writing long Twitter threads on why it’s an objectively better show than "Chopped." On the rare occasion "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" isn’t on, Thanoscar can be found playing Papa’s Freezeria. Thanoscar hopes to visit Flavortown with David Scibilia (‘22).