Hey, gang. Your favorite new history teacher, Mr. Z, here. I know that since I came into the district a lot of y’all have been thinking, “Is this wacko some kind of boring history teacher?” The answer, put simply, is no. I’m not some sort of boring history teacher. I’m not like any of the other teachers at J-D.
People think I’ll just be doing boring lectures and showing cringey videos. Snooze! Instead, I like to teach my students in a hip, relatable manner, through parody rap songs, internet memes, and references to social media. Rockin’! I even have one of my raps on Spotify; it’s called, “Heat Waves: How Climate Change Destroyed the Mayan Empire.” But watch out, it’s explicit; I say the h-e-double-hockey-sticks word. Wicked cool!
I’m not like other teachers. I’m illiterate. I’m dictating this article to a professional typist. Rock ’n’ roll!
You might think teachers need to go to some fancy school to learn how to do their jobs, but the only school I learned from was the School of Hard Knocks. And SUNY Oswego. I went to SUNY Oswego too.
Some teachers let students do all of the work and sit back in their spinny chairs. I don’t. I like to feel how you guys feel about the class, to get involved, to see what you see through your exuberant, adolescent pupils. I get dirt under my fingernails, pencil lead in my palms, and blood in my mouth. Don’t worry. It’s not mine.
Do you kiddos watch Euphoria? It’s actually loosely based on my life! Bazinga!
What about video games? I bet you guys love turnin’ on the ol’ PlayStation and droppin’ in with the boys. I do too! I play Subway Surfers all day long, dudes! I’m addicted to gaming, just like I’m addicted to teaching students important history lessons! Ka-pow! Also, heroin. I’m addicted to heroin.
I’m not like any of these other history teachers. I met Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson once. He took the time out of his busy schedule to talk to old Mr. Z! Pretty dope, right? He was all like, “Get out of my house or I’m calling the police.” Not every history teacher is that cool!
Some of you dweebs might be thinkin’, “What courses does he even teach?” I would tell you the answer if I knew. I asked Mr. Lawson, but he just asked who I was and how I got in.
I’m not like other teachers. Legally, I don’t exist. Kablammo!
How many of you like Grand Theft Auto? That one’s also loosely based on my childhood. Flippin’ awesome!
I don’t wear boring teacher clothes like shirts and ties. Heck no! My wardrobe is just a bunch of flannels! That’s it. Just flannels. No pants, no shoes. Flannels!
I’m sure there’s one thing on your mind at this point, and yes, I do juggle. In fact, I was invited to participate in the 2018 Combat Juggling Championships for Team Intel. I declined. I would never work with Noah Schmeizner or Casey Brentmeister.
Did someone say breakdancing? I hope not. I hate breakdancing.
I bet some of you think this new history teacher is some kind of stickler for the rules. Yucko! I have, like, eight DUIs. Maybe more like nine or ten. But I’m not a math teacher, dudes, I teach history! Wika-zow!
How many of you youths have seen Chantal Akerman’s 1975 arthouse film Jeanne Dielman, 23, Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles? That one is not based on my life, but it is based on my cousin’s!
Well, that’s all I have to say, pupils. Y’all are the future, never forget that. I’m Mr. Z, signing o— What? Yeah, I work here. I don’t have my ID on me at the moment. Tha— No, stop! I work here! I swear! I can’t go back to the penitentiary! Not again! Noooooo…
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Transcribed by I. R. Robespierre