On Saturday, October 8, Jamesville-DeWitt High School will be hosting its homecoming. However, the fact that the game will feature the boys’ varsity soccer team isn’t the only change. As released by the student government earlier this week, whoever is named the homecoming king and queen will be crowned as actual monarchs.

Remember the Constitutional Convention that happened last year? We promise you weren’t the only one who thought that was a part of one of those stress-induced dreams that were, for some reason, all related to U.S. History. Well, apparently, the conclusion reached at the convention was that the J-DHS student body was tired of American democracy. Instead, they wanted to implement a constitutional monarchy.

“I’m so excited to finally have a royal family to call my own,” senior Stephanie Lynne told YamPage. “While I was happy when Harry and Meghan moved to California, it never felt right, you know? But to have my own monarchs to stalk and know freakishly too much about their personal lives? What else could I have wished for in my senior year?”

In their statement to the school, the student government warned that they would not be liable for any emotional or physical damage caused by the paparazzi and tabloids, and that the king and queen would be required by the constitution to have an elaborate wedding ceremony, with funds graciously donated by the English department.

The officers also made it very clear in their statement that the king and queen would solely be figureheads with no decision-making responsibilities whatsoever. (Except for in the case of that really bad spirit day everyone will be angry about next March. That was all the monarchs.)

“I’m looking forward to this change in how the school’s student leadership is organized,” Principal Lawson stated. “I mean, I’ve always been a bit of an anglophile myself. Tea and crumpets, baked beans and toast—they’re just the best combinations in the world.”

Upon the release of this information, some power-hungry seniors have already started campaigning for their nomination as homecoming king and/or queen. The rest of the senior class is too busy writing 25 supplemental essays to bother explaining to them what a monarch is by definition.

In other news, Mr. Gasparini has been named the czar of Christian Brothers Academy.

Josephine Dupuis
Josephine Dupuis was born in the late 1910s (she forgot which year) as Helen Smith. World-renowned for her work as a human statue in New York City, she decided to change her name in order to fully embody the heritage of her muse, The Statue of Liberty. After losing her job during the Great Depression, she tried a wide variety of occupations, ranging from potato farmer to bounty hunter, but none of them brought her the same passion as being a human statue. She’s hoping that her new job in journalism will spark a flame in her 100-and-something year old heart. She is dedicating all her articles to her two favorite great-great-grandchildren, Yammy and Paige. She is a long-lost cousin of Madie Phillips (’23).