As many have heard from the news or people in the outside world, a new religion is sweeping the nation. Maybe you’re aware of it but don’t practice it. Maybe you’re a member of it. But for those of you who have been living under a rock and have not heard of it yet, Healthaism, a new faith founded by a band of guidance counselors, health teachers, and P.E. teachers, has spread like wildfire from a gender reveal party through the forest that is the Western Hemisphere. Though its origins are disputed, its message is clear: all people should be in peak physical shape.

From our interviews, it would seem that no one can agree how Healthaism came to be. One popular theory is that the head guidance counselor came to his team one day with a clear goal in mind: convert the masses and there will no longer be necessary health classes. The story goes that over the course of three months, they managed to gain a large following of people of all backgrounds. From there, social media did its thing and soon the whole world knew about Healthaism.

Another popular theory is that the religion was founded by accident, as part of a senior class prank. Senior Ibn Batata claims that he and his friends were trying to joke around and give the P.E. and health teachers a bit of a hard time by taking their lessons too seriously until things escalated and a group of students took the joke literally and started practicing good health behaviors more and more. 

Even though no one is certain how Healthaism started, the effects are clear. Healthites, followers of Healthaism, are observed to be some of the healthiest people in the world, according to experts. Their mental health has been more stable than that of the general population before Healthaism (all illnesses have been reported in lower numbers and with less severe symptoms) and Healthites are anywhere from 20% to 60% happier than other people.

A surprising effect Healthaism has had on the global economy is in oatmeal cream pies. A favorite of many J-D students, these treats have been sold out at almost every store in America, Canada, and several other countries. Apparently, Healthites have been ritualistically purchasing, eating, and posting images of the oatmeal cream pies on several social media sites. Initially, the company almost ran completely out of products, but a few weeks after that initial drop, the company, Little Debbie, has grown in size and has been working hard to provide oatmeal cream pies to their ravenous customers.

This obsession with oatmeal cream pies, however, has caused many non-Healthites to become skeptical of the true benefits of the practice. Are these people using Healthaism as an excuse to enjoy these treats? Many believe so. But however Healthaism came to be and regardless of how many oatmeal cream pies followers eat, the increase in their overall health is evident. 

Seventy-eight-year-old elven writer Sue Nim, also known as Dough, claims to hold the world record for eating unfried dough and fried dough simultaneously, so long as you respect his wish to not bother fact-checking that tidbit of information. Dough spends his free time attempting to convert his fellow astronauts to Healthaism, writing ukulele songs with only C-natural chords, and recording government-funded videos for students to watch in order to remember the English alphabet. Yes, you should subscribe to his YouTube channel. Situated on the International Space Station, he takes hours of his time to write for the loyal Yampagian readers that are his livelihood. Due to the distance between the ISS and Jamesville-Dewitt High School, Sue has hired a dashing and tall lad called Thomas Vander Molen (‘24) to gather information and bring his eight o’clock coffee every day.