Half Sports for Half Days: A Result of the CBA/J-D Feud

Christian Brothers Academy (CBA) had a half day on Friday, December 3. J-D did not. The reason for this abomination is very simple: CBA has a varsity football team worth watching, and J-D doesn’t even have a varsity football team. Students were astounded to learn that they were missing out on less school and immediately started making plans for a half day to get back at CBA. 

The feud with CBA has long been acknowledged by only J-D students, so this slight was not going to go unnoticed by devoted students. The outrage was directed only at CBA and ended in preparations for multi-athletic events that would require a half day in the future. These events include badminton games in the middle school pool, cross country runners partaking in soccer, and swimmers trying their hand at archery. Players would rotate sports each time CBA had a half day in order to keep the playing field even. It’s possible that some orchestral and choral performances would happen in place of multi-athletic events in order to force a half day because a varsity football team is not the only thing that J-D is lacking.

A total of four students are ecstatic about this new development and cannot wait to watch these creative ways of filling the football games. Because of their small number, they wish to remain anonymous, but this reporter can assure you that they are very excited. The students gushed, with cries of “OH MY GOD. I CAN’T WAIT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?” and “AAGGHHH!” filling our interview.

One question remains: how feasible is this daunting task? While getting back at CBA is a noble quest that is sure to convince Mr. Gasparini to approve the idea, a half day? Not so much. While there are somewhat valid logistical concerns, it’s clear he’s only worried about one thing: attendance. “Amazing attendance has always been part of what makes J-D great,” he said. “Of course, some of the best testing scores in the universe don’t hurt either. But half days might encourage students to leave instead of showing support for this important cause, which we absolutely cannot have. Under any circumstances. Ever.” He then ended the interview, muttering something about getting specific hall monitors for these events. 

As with anything that happens in this world, there are non-believers. These unpatriotic students say that a couple of silly multi-athletic events won’t do anything for the imaginary rivalry between CBA and J-D. And also, if we don’t have a varsity team, isn’t that technically our fault, not CBA’s?

They may have a point. Anyway, you can look forward to possibly watching a bunch of sweaty jocks mess around with sports equipment while getting out of your English test in order to prove our supposed superiority over another school!

Asparagus Fern
Asparagus Fern (born 1236 BCE) was a war correspondent stationed in Clipperton Island (a strip of sand off the coast of Mexico) during the Vietnam War. They have since retired and now write for Yampage to “relive the glory days.” Asparagus Fern has been married 700 years to the saguaro cactus Udderly Zucchini. The couple has had quite a lot of plant babies, including the many Christmas trees of Rockefeller Center and Groot. In their spare time, Asparagus Fern enjoys breathing underwater and taming dragons. They play bridge every Wednesday with the local crazy cat ladies. Fern lives near Spiky Olivia, wherever that might be, and refuses to comment if they like asparagus or not. For watering information, contact Paloma Arena (‘25).