Fishing for Change: New School Mascot Announced

In a recent address to the students and faculty, Principal Gasparini announced that the official school mascot has been changed from the red ram to the rainbow trout. When questioned about the sudden change, he responded, “I believe that a new mascot is needed to better reflect our values here at J-D.” The response to this change has so far been mixed.

The members of the Gender and Sexuality Alliance Club (GSA) who made the petition have been ecstatic. “We didn’t really think that it would actually happen. We were just playing around with our giant stuffed rainbow trout after school and Mr. Gasparini said it was a really cool fish. When someone made a joke about it being the new school mascot, he seemed very excited about the idea, but I didn’t think he was actually going to do it,” said freshman Tobi Gil-Taylor

On the other hand, many clubs and organizations within the school that have names based off of the old mascot have pushed back against the change with the fervor of people who don’t want to do any paperwork. CodeRams co-president Stefan Wang said, “CodeRainbowTrout just doesn’t have the same ring to it.” Furthermore, RamFeed has cancelled their upcoming Christmas movie bracket in the announcements in protest of the change. 

Even among the body of students unaffiliated with any established clubs, opinion of the rainbow trout is mixed. A vocal minority of students have joined the Coalition Against the Rainbow Platform (CARP) and have begun to stage protests outside the main office during activity period. Meanwhile, others have decided to form the Society Against Loud Minorities Outlawing Novelty (SALMON) and stage counter-protests to protest the CARP protests.

Although the situation is stable for now, CARP and SALMON are currently locked in a protesting-arms race, with both sides making rapid innovations such as the recently-developed technique of yelling really loudly. Many students remain confused about how the new mascot is actually meant to better reflect the school’s values, but Mr. Gasparini has refused to elaborate, having last been seen working on a proposal to improve biodiversity in the red hallway by importing wolves.

Jimothy Rivers
Archbishop Lieutenant Director Professor Doctor Jimothy Rivers has previous work experience as the archbishop of Winnipeg, a lieutenant in the Royal Canadian Navy, the director of the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C., a professor of golf management at Idaho State University, and as a dermatologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. In his free time he enjoys playing a variety of sports, with his favorites being extreme ironing and combat juggling. He is currently retired from all of his jobs except teaching at Idaho State and writes articles for YamPage in between classes, hoping to gain another title. He can be reached through his unpaid intern Bohdin Bright ('23) with questions about his articles or extra credit opportunities.