“Fallout 2021: J-DHS” to be released July 8th

With the school year coming to a close, there are many things the school has had to take into consideration. For example, did kids really learn anything? Was this more or less effective than in-person classes? How should we proceed in case of Coronavirus worsening? When interviewing many students through a Google Forms poll, many said they spent their time playing video games. In a board meeting, Mr. Lang said: “Why don’t we make a video game about the current state of the school/world? We can even charge the students money to download it because it’ll be a new release!” He laughed thinking others would, but Mr. Gasparini had other ideas.

“I want you and all your comp sci classes to start working on this game. I don’t care what it’s about as long as there is some sort of education involved. The PTG will love us! They’ve really been hurting because they haven’t been able to sell concessions at concerts.”

The PTG did love them. That is why, coming July 8th, the game Fallout: 2021 JD is coming out retailing for $59.99.

The player starts out as a freshman who sees the start of Coronavirus through the lenses of Mr. Klemperer’s third-period geometry class. When the sixth period bell rings, things take a turn for the worse. This game takes you to a world where Coronavirus has taken over, and the United States is in a state of internal conflict. It is up to your character to make sure all his biology and global homework is done to restore balance to the world. After you complete the tutorial and make your way back to the high school the following day, the opening sequence emerges. You see your character in the third person as Fallout: 2021 JD appears in big letters on your screen. Here is a leaked image of it:

    Not to spoil too much of the game, but here’s the basic idea of it:

  • You wake up anywhere from 8 am to 11 am (pure RNG)
  • Then you sit inside your house and watch YouTube for hours
  • Next, you check Google Classroom to see what you have to do
  • Your character can then choose to do the work immediately or to put it off until the night before
  • After this, you have the choice of a few activities such as exercising, playing an instrument, playing video games, or watching more YouTube.
  • Finally, the day is over and your character goes to bed anytime between 11 pm and 4 am (Once again, pure RNG)

We have heard rumors that there will be a microtransaction feature as well as loot crates, although we cannot confirm this. The game will be available on console and Steam, and they are currently working on making it Switch compatible. To entice you even further, with every purchase of the game, three dollars of the $59.99 you spend will go to a brand new flat-screen TV in the large cafeteria. 

Digby Thanoscar is a part-time meme lord and part-time botanist. He takes credit for inspiring Pewdiepie and Elon Musk, along with Simon Cowell. He currently lives in the southwest corner of New Yamsterdam and writes to Yampage on pieces of stone that he attaches to pineapples and floats to us across the marshmallow sea. How he gets them to reach us every time, or how he knows what happens in JD is beyond us, and we feel it's better not to ask him. If you yell for David Scibilia (’22), though, he might answer.