Epidemic: Endless Pain Strikes JD

As the 2018-2019 school year comes to a close, attendance hits an all time low. Our trusty team of scientists (Mrs. Raicht, Mr. Comfort, Mrs. Ross, …) have deemed the cause of this dip in attendance as an epidemic, which has been dubbed Endless Pain, or more commonly known as Deadly Boredom.

Similar to the common Senioritis in that it inflicts a sense of laziness and boredom in the victim, Endless Pain affects not only the senior class, but all underclassmen as well. Symptoms of Endless Pain include the following, but are not limited to:

  • Boredom in all classes
  • Overwhelming desire to cut class and go home
  • The desire to drop out of school because you feel that you peaked in the 8th grade and it has all gone downhill since then
  • Staying/going home “sick”
  • Having an unbelievable number of “doctor appointments,” which also happen to correspond with the “doctor appointments” of at least 100 other students
  • Decreased desire to “get this bread”

Our experts have also warned that, in extreme cases, death may occur.

As the number of days left in the school year decreases, so do the attendance numbers. In a private interview with Ms. Breck, our loyal attendance manager, she tearfully stated that she is “most devastated of all,” as she has seen firsthand the drop in daily attendance.

“The phones are ringing off the hook at all hours of the day. Parents are constantly being needed to be buzzed into the building. It’s an absolute madhouse. There must have been a sudden increase in doctoral jobs in Dewitt because it seems that students are needing to be excused around the same times in order to go to doctor appointments. I’ve heard some baloney excuses for early dismissals, but recently there have been outlandishly poppycock excuses,” stated Ms. Breck in a heated tone.

Teachers are also feeling the effects of the drop in attendance. Many teachers have reported that they are being forced to work extra in order to catch up the students who regularly miss classes. Peeved with the general disinterest of the students in their classes, the departments have banded together in order to brainstorm ways to teach the material in new and intriguing ways. So far the most creative of all is Mr. Vielhauer who plans launch himself into space (with a little help from NASA) in order to demonstrate the infamous rocket launch project.

Studies done by JD’s finest math department show that on JD Day, student attendance dropped immediately after homeroom with 1 in every 5 students going home “sick” or leaving early for a “doctor appointment”.

If you or a friend have experienced any of the symptoms listed above, contact your local school nurse immediately as the effects of this horrible disease may be irreversible.

Françoise von Farquaad
nçoise von Farquaad is the secret lovechild of Donald Trump and Kanye West. Abandoned by the iconic duo just days after creation, Françoise was secretly raised in the Northern Vietnam Lowland Rain Forest by a conspiracy of Sunda Flying Lemurs. Prior to joining Yampage, Françoise ran a bakery called “Oui Oui Baguette” where, ironically, he didn’t sell baguettes. Françoise later became the photographer for Vladimir Putin’s (arguably provocative) annual shirtless calendar. Gaining a large amount of popularity from Putin’s shirtless annual calendar, Françoise was soon scouted by Yampage. His unusual nickname is “Maggie Frank (’20)”.