COVID Pool Testing Now to Be Held in Actual Pool

Photo by Ruby Champagne

We all know about the COVID pool testing that’s been going on regularly for months at J-DHS. However, it’s never lived up to its name. The “pool” testing has in fact been held at the indoor track above the main gym. With the end of the winter sport season drawing near, the pool at the middle school will soon be available for remodeling. Mr. Gasparini, in conjunction with J-DMS Principal Mr. Eldridge, has announced a new plan to fill the pool with the fluid from the COVID swab tests.

The tests that the school has been performing feature a cotton swab used to collect samples from the inside of the mouth, mostly around the gums. This swab is then placed into a sample tube filled with a fluid, the function of which is still unknown. Mr. Gasparini claims that this fluid will have no adverse effects upon contact with skin, but actual proof remains to be seen.

In addition to resolving the confusion around the name, the new method will supposedly save both time and money. When questioned by YamPage reporters, Mr. Gasparini was happy to elaborate: “Normally, we have to wait for everyone to get all the samples done and put them in individual tubes before sending them off to the facility to get tested. We don’t really care about the specific details; we just want to know if anyone in the group being tested has COVID, so mixing up all the fluid beforehand saves a lot of time, as well as postage costs.”

Some critics of the plan are concerned about the effects on the spring swim season, but according to the plan, it will face no negative consequences. “The students being tested don’t even need to enter the pool at all,” said Health teacher Mrs. Moore, a member of the planning committee. “They just have to get a mouthful of the fluid, swish it around for 20 seconds or so, then spit it back in. The swimmers will actually benefit; the increased level of hygiene provided by the sterile sample fluid will let them take off their masks when swimming.”

From what we’ve heard so far, the plan has a lot of upsides without any real downsides. The only possible issue we here at YamPage have seen so far is that the pool will be drained every night to get a good sample to send off to the labs, which might interfere with the middle school’s extensive raccoon population, which is known to use the pool as a source of water.

Jimothy Rivers
Archbishop Lieutenant Director Professor Doctor Jimothy Rivers has previous work experience as the archbishop of Winnipeg, a lieutenant in the Royal Canadian Navy, the director of the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C., a professor of golf management at Idaho State University, and as a dermatologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. In his free time he enjoys playing a variety of sports, with his favorites being extreme ironing and combat juggling. He is currently retired from all of his jobs except teaching at Idaho State and writes articles for YamPage in between classes, hoping to gain another title. He can be reached through his unpaid intern Bohdin Bright ('23) with questions about his articles or extra credit opportunities.