United Nations Revokes JDHS’s Title as Greatest High School

Syracuse, NY — For years and years, students at Jamesville DeWitt High School would begin the school year with those faithful words from Principal Paul Gasparini: “I received a call from the Secretary General of the U.N António Guterres last night…” But, in a rattling turn of events, the new school year began without his hallmark greeting.

Now, most students at the High School would have a hard time actually believing his call to fame in the first place, but unsuspecting freshman are unlike the masses. Wide-eyed and excited to join the ranks of their fellow students, at one point or another, most would probably take it as gospel. However, for the more seasoned individuals, after hearing the remark year after year, that isn’t the case anymore. As such, when Gaspirini didn’t say anything to spice up the all-boring back-to-school meetings on the first day, upperclassman knew something was wrong.

Yampage, taking investigative journalism to the next level, contacted the Secretary’s office after failing to get a comment from the principal on the matter. Although it took over 100 emails to convince them that we are truly a legitimate publication, staff writers were finally able to get in contact with the Secretary’s assistant, Mr. Elliot Harris. When asked why their office stripped JD of its obviously worthy title, Harris responded in a rather anticlimactic fashion by saying that “the Secretary’s office unfortunately had to remove the program and the benefits offered by it due to budgetary concerns.” He went on to explain that most of the U.N’s budget sadly had to go towards “Fixing the world’s many problems” and not to “Pesky high-school children and their Tide-pods.” Thanks, Obama.

Taking the answer as a sign that JD isn’t the only organization plagued by budget problems, our writers were pleased to know that even though JD might not officially be the best school on paper, at least the title didn’t belong to another school. Better luck next year, Hornets.

When asked for a final comment from Principal Gasparini, he offered a small anecdote on the unfortunate circumstances, saying that “We are JD, and that is all that matters.”

Mrs. Stoich is a world famous author by day and professional BeyBlader by night. Growing up in rural Indiana, she took her dreams to the big city after graduating NYU’s Tisch School of Arts with a undergraduate degree in Performance Studies and a masters degree in Musical Business Administration. Rumor has it her license plate matches Will Guisbond (’20)’s. Now living in the Lower East Side, Mrs. Stoich has taken to writing news in her free time. Connected to Jamesville Dewitt through her long lost cousin Paul Gasparini, she is delighted and excited to be writing for Yampage. When she is not working or writing, you can find her at Whole Foods stocking up on those nutrient plentiful grains for her homemade granola or at Wegmans picking out some overpriced sushi. She hopes you enjoy the content and can’t wait for some fan mail!