Beam Me Up, Schooly!

Photo by Cam Lensington

Victory! Freedom at last! Let us rejoice! That’s what we all wish we could be saying now that the COVID-19 global pandemic has finally been conquered. Thanks to everyone wearing masks and social distancing properly, getting fully vaccinated as well as complying with all other CDC guidelines, COVID-19 is ancient history. However, as some of you may know, we now face a new problem.

Shortly after the Jamesville-DeWitt School District lifted its mask mandate, which was deemed unnecessary after the pandemic ended, a new disaster struck in true fashion for the 2020s. Purchase your spacesuits and toothpaste-food before the stores are all sold out because we’re facing the threat of alien abduction.

A new, previously known species of extraterrestrials, which the government is calling “Ferroseptodactyls” but is colloquially known as “the aliens” (a very creative name, we know), have arrived. We humans have little idea of what the aliens are capable of, what they look like, and we have yet to make contact with them. One eyewitness of a kidnapping reported seeing a seven-armed being, akin to a starfish. Leading scientists have found a link between magnetic objects and increased rates of abductions. This is why recommended spacesuits are made with 0% magnetic materials. 

Since the abductions seem to be mostly from space directly rather than a descent to Earth and return by the aliens, the government of the United States, as well as many others, recommend wearing a spacesuit at all possible times. These spacesuits are said to help one survive when taken to space, an otherwise difficult task due to a lack of an atmosphere.

The following changes will be implemented at J-D in an attempt to save the lives of students:

  1. Students are to have magnetic objects confiscated from their persons during school hours.
  2. All J-D students are required to wear a spacesuit during school hours.
  3. All students will be prohibited from attempting to get captured on purpose to make a video for social media.

To raise awareness, school spirit, and help students meet these requirements, the school district is selling official J-D branded spacesuits, designed by the class of 2025’s Design and Drawing for Production classes.

And one more thing before this announcement ends: yes, the hole in the boys’ bathroom in the Red Hall WAS in fact caused by an alien abduction beam. Please note that that bathroom will remain inaccessible until reconstruction has finished.

So please, J-D, comply with both school and government rules and regulations. Humans are a resilient species. If we all stick together, do the right thing, and support each other, we can make it through this. These aliens won’t abduct us and take over the planet we’ve desecrated. Spread the word, and remember to purchase your J-D brand spacesuits, available now in two sizes and four colors!

Seventy-eight-year-old elven writer Sue Nim, also known as Dough, claims to hold the world record for eating unfried dough and fried dough simultaneously, so long as you respect his wish to not bother fact-checking that tidbit of information. Dough spends his free time attempting to convert his fellow astronauts to Healthaism, writing ukulele songs with only C-natural chords, and recording government-funded videos for students to watch in order to remember the English alphabet. Yes, you should subscribe to his YouTube channel. Situated on the International Space Station, he takes hours of his time to write for the loyal Yampagian readers that are his livelihood. Due to the distance between the ISS and Jamesville-Dewitt High School, Sue has hired a dashing and tall lad called Thomas Vander Molen (‘24) to gather information and bring his eight o’clock coffee every day.