Sue "Dough" Nim
Seventy-eight-year-old elven writer Sue Nim, also known as Dough, claims to hold the world record for eating unfried dough and fried dough simultaneously, so long as you respect his wish to not bother fact-checking that tidbit of information. Dough spends his free time attempting to convert his fellow astronauts to Healthaism, writing ukulele songs with only C-natural chords, and recording government-funded videos for students to watch in order to remember the English alphabet. Yes, you should subscribe to his YouTube channel. Situated on the International Space Station, he takes hours of his time to write for the loyal Yampagian readers that are his livelihood. Due to the distance between the ISS and Jamesville-Dewitt High School, Sue has hired a dashing and tall lad called Thomas Vander Molen (‘24) to gather information and bring his eight o’clock coffee every day.
New Mascot Incites Conspiracies
Conspiracy theories have been echoing throughout the halls of J-D, whispered by the fearful, the skeptical, and those who are bored of their English class.
Supervillains Found to Be Cause of Internet Issues
Students “spend too much time on those ding-dang telley-phones.”
A Very Special Mole Day Interview with Mole Man
I felt good because I found a five dollar bill I must have accidentally left in my jeans pocket when I washed them the other day.
Playground Piece Pushes Pollinator Plumet
Rather a gruesome bee-havior for kids, I daresay.
The Latest News on J-DHS’s Obscure Clubs
You already know what happens in the Psychic Club.
Beam Me Up, Schooly!
Purchase your spacesuits and toothpaste-food before the stores are all sold out because we’re facing the threat of alien abduction.
Tasteless Trash Turned Treat
12:24 - Mr. DeChick reaches the trash cans, and pauses to make a cartoonish gesture.
Healthaism: Fruitful Faith or Corrupt Cult?
Healthaism, a new faith founded by a band of guidance counselors, health teachers, and P.E. teachers, has spread like wildfire from a gender reveal party through the forest that is the Western Hemisphere.
Throwback Not-Thursday: J-DHS Imposes Halloween Costume Restrictions
If a student is to wear a costume of a named character, it must be one such character from a 2000s era children’s TV show.