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Raffaele Quintino

Raffaele Quintino
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Raffaele Quintino was born in Idaho in 1956. Before Yampage, he served as a spy for the FBI. Raffaele is, in fact, not his real name. In his lifetime, he has been assigned over 150 different identities by the witness protection program. This is because of all the enemies he made throughout his career. He is actually banned from Russia, North and South Korea, most of the Netherlands and all the Dollar Generals in Wisconsin. He did not wish to elaborate on the last one, but explained in full detail what he did to make Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un cry via Facebook messenger. He wants to write for Yampage because he feels he can add a “personal touch” to the articles. “As an FBI agent, I was able to learn a lot about people through their phone cam- I mean by talking to them when I was doing normal FBI things not related to watching people on phone camera- damn it, never mind.” Raffaele’s writing style mimics that of Abby Morgan (’20).

Shocked And Devastated Seniors Learn That An Advanced Regents Diploma Literally Means Nothing

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Due to the overwhelming silence from the senior class, I decided to talk to members of the administration about this discovery. But all that Superintendent Peter Smith had to say on the matter was “What are you doing on my doorstep and how did you find my address?”

Nobody Knows What Hole in The Wall Club Does

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“Hole in the Wall is a great organization with outstanding members. It teaches teenagers valuable life lessons and skills,” mused Gualtieri. However, the interview took a turn for the worse when Gualtieri was questioned on what type of club Hole in the Wall truly is. “I think you should go. Go on! Leave! Now!” We were not able to interview Gualtieri again.

Bounty Placed on Freshman Who Called Harvard A Safety School

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“They’re in for a rude awakening,” says senior Gigi Lecomte as she aggressively knocks back an espresso shot. “I mean really? How DUMB do you have to be to think Harvard is a safety school? They don’t even know what’s coming! They don’t even know.” Unfortunately our interview with Ms. Lecomte was cut short, as she had to go write supplements about traumatic events that never happened to her.

Bringing Politics into Library Passes

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Raffaele Quintino, Staff Writer Dewitt, NY-- The JDHS library has always been kept under secure control by staff members. One rule created last year that required students to get signed passes to use the library...

January 2019 Q+A

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Q: Dear Raffaele, what should I do once I graduate? A: This is an excellent question. Throughout my days at Yampage, I have observed many misguided youths of this high school talking about “college”...

Sophomore Subjects of Biology Experiment- Ethical Violation or Extra Credit Opportunity?

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These days you might find yourself wondering why there are there so many kids t-posing on the turf during lunch. Look a little closer and you’ll see that they’re in fact doing much more....