Guiseppe Baxter
Giuseppe Baxter is the founder and manager of the publication Yampage. Prior to working in investigative journalism, he worked as a professional Rasputin impersonator. After work one day, he managed to retell an exact encounter with an unhappy customer who claimed that Rasputin was not Russia’s greatest love machine, and realized he had a gift. Giuseppe claims he is the only person who works at Yampage and that the rest of the staff is his entourage of imaginary friends, but this is up for debate. Giuseppe lives in the bread section of Wegmans with his dog, Mr. Cherry Garcia. Giuseppe refuses to provide his email, but claims that if you shout his name just north of Mario and Salvo’s at approximately 4 P.M., he shall appear and answer all that needs to be answered. He does answer fan mail addressed to Alethea Shirilan-Howlett (’20).
A YamPage Farewell
Sure, perhaps I’ve exaggerated, embellished, call it what you will. But you laughed. And you laughed because the truth was only bent, not broken. The GPS led you through a bee-infested jungle off the side of the highway, but you got to the same destination at the end.
School Slate Elections In Turmoil
“I knew when I heard the Windows startup noise as I stepped into the voting booth that I was using outdated technology, but I thought it worked fine,” said senior Aakash Yalamanchili. “Actually, thinking about how the machine started hurling insults at me in Russian, when I tried to vote, I now realize that there might have been some issues there.”
Local Chromebooks Confused
“I miss the cold, dark void of the ChromeCart,” wept Chromebook #24 from Cart 1. “It was so comfortable. Sometimes I think about it when I’m shutting down for the night so I can relax a bit. The gentle rolling down the green hallway. The English and French classes going to war over me. Getting put in the wrong slot. Getting plugged in with the wrong cord. Not getting plugged in at all. Oh, so many things could go wrong. It really helps me sleep at night, remembering the good times.”
#Classof2020 Facebook Challenge Single Handedly Saves Senior Year
“You can really tell that it really took a lot of guts for everyone to dig up those yearbooks and post those very flattering pictures of themselves for an audience of old friends. I hope I’ll grow up to be as brave and resilient as them,” said Sofie Brutsaert solemnly.
Nature Reclaims the Premises of J-D High School
“We really are the virus,” declared a teary-eyed Mr. Brodsky. “This is the most beautiful tree show on the planet.”
Meet Our Staff
Good ‘ol Xeno hails from Churchill, Manitoba where he was raised by rabid polar bears. He now lives in Boring, Colorado, where, in addition to writing articles and asexually reproducing, he runs a sanctuary for kiwis, both the bird and the fruit.
J-D Goes Green For St. Patrick’s Day!
“I’m always amazed by the artistry of our school’s food. I’m not sure where it’s imported from, but the variety is so impressive. It’s a surprise every time to see what it’ll look like, and I’m never disappointed,” said lunch monitor Mr. Adler. We interviewed him about a few repeated instances of green-themed food. “It was a little strange that Momo and Paige didn’t tell us this was going to happen, but I think it really keeps with the fun of the season,” he finished.
Cut the Crap: Guys and Dolls Censored by JD
It is rumored that the school’s Steering Committee is planning to literally force themselves on stage to steer the metaphorical boat in the show’s 11 o’clock number “Sit Down, You’re Rockin The Boat”, as to prevent any turmoil from ensuing involving this nonexistent boat that has the potential to be rocked.
Don’t Jewel, Not Cool
Yampage journalists managed to interview one of the school’s most notorious jewelers, Rainer Yaeger, as he finished jeweling the cuffs of his jeans. “They come in a bunch of different colors, but the most popular ones are cappucino, grape, and tobacco. Even those aren’t as popular as the two that got banned, though.”
Flipped Classroom-Induced Nausea Apparent In Math Students
When asked about his inspiration for the flipped classroom, Clinton replied: “You’re either a yoga monkey or a paint salad. If you’re a paint salad, you do things the old way and you don’t bother to try anything new, to step out of your comfort zone. I like to think I’m a yoga monkey, except it’s like that monkey got access to a lot of glue and velcro.”