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Françoise von Farquaad

nçoise von Farquaad is the secret lovechild of Donald Trump and Kanye West. Abandoned by the iconic duo just days after creation, Françoise was secretly raised in the Northern Vietnam Lowland Rain Forest by a conspiracy of Sunda Flying Lemurs. Prior to joining Yampage, Françoise ran a bakery called “Oui Oui Baguette” where, ironically, he didn’t sell baguettes. Françoise later became the photographer for Vladimir Putin’s (arguably provocative) annual shirtless calendar. Gaining a large amount of popularity from Putin’s shirtless annual calendar, Françoise was soon scouted by Yampage. His unusual nickname is “Maggie Frank (’20)”.

Blue Kiosk Printer Mysteriously Spitting Out Threatening Messages

“I know that many of the other kiosks, printers, and teachers around the school are worried about the Blue Kiosk's behavior, but I personally don’t have anything to worry about because I don’t let my students print during class anyways,” stated the very calm Social Studies teacher, Eric Ormond.

At-Home Fire Drills

“I want to make sure that even when students are at home they are ready and prepared to evacuate at any given moment,” stated Gasparini.

Prom: The Most Important Event of Your Life

“Prom is a life-binding contract between two students. It’s not something that can be taken lightly,” stated a visibly stressed Evelyn Tao. This was all Tao had to offer in terms of an interview before kicking us out of the practice room where she was practicing a piano concerto with her eyes blindfolded and her hands behind her back.

AP Bio Students Tasked with Raising a Tamagotchi Pet

“I haven’t blinked in days,” stated sophomore David Scibilia who didn’t even bother to look up from his Tamagotchi the entire time he was being interviewed. We found David hiding under the staircase by the trainer’s office. Only days after we interviewed him, David lost his Tamagotchi when he blinked for the first time in almost a week. Scibilia later sent out invitations for his Tama’s funeral.

New Fire Alarm Causes Disruption at JD

“May I have your attention please. May I have your attention please. There has been a fire emergency reported somewhere in the building. Please evacuate the building.” Students at Jamesville-DeWitt High School were shocked to...

Epidemic: Endless Pain Strikes JD

Our experts have also warned that, in extreme cases, death may occur. 

JD Music Department Cuts Footloose on Their Foot Fixation

Over the last few weeks students of the JD music department have been expressing their worries about the department’s fascination with feet. “It’s gotten toetally out of control,” one student commented when asked about...