Artificial Intelligence And Its Role In The Demise Of Society

As artificial intelligence, or AI, has progressed into something usable for virtually everything, a number of problems have arisen. Of course, this isn’t all that surprising, as every sci-fi movie ever created predicted this, but it’s still quite concerning.

Starting with the obvious, sentience in AI is quickly rising. It can now understand emotions and parts of human nature. Holding conversations with technology is not as frustrating as it used to be. But at JD, we feel the AI is not meeting our expectations. It simply is not advanced enough. In order to be successful, students and student-adjacent technology must be on the same level as their peers. And honestly, AI is not even close. It has the social skills of a fourth grader. And the integrity of a fourth grader too. How are we supposed to trust this technology if it can access the entirety of the internet in less than a second? And how is that fair to other students who can only Google so fast? 

“I think that an AI classmate is a horrible idea. Group work would be awful. Plus, it would always be right! The best part about other people is that they’re wrong so I can be correct!” said sophomore Finn Coles-Carruthers. “These robots are taking away hard earned bragging rights, which is completely unacceptable.” 

Secondly, despite the advantages AI has, it is still at a disparity compared to the rest of the population. It cannot eat. How is one supposed to call anything intelligent if it can’t experience the wonder that is mac and cheese? Or chocolate cake? Or pancakes? Not even yams! Food is of the utmost importance. I, for one, would not be the person I am today without the experience of an eclair. All AI has is descriptions of our food and microchips. Those aren’t even real chips, which is the worst part. Sophomore Olivia Conley gave us her input. “Honestly, I don’t think I would ever be able to get along with AI. I like things that can enjoy a nice, warm bowl of tomato soup at Panera. I would take a racoon over AI. Those animals at least can hold a spoon.”

Finally, and perhaps the most egregious issue of them all, there are no artificially intelligent yams. As the basis of life, you would think that yams would be the first things someone made intelligent. At least a yam chorus. Nothing would be better than a lullaby sung by the sweetest starches at night. 

“I don’t understand researchers nowadays. The first things they jump to are cars and rocket ships. You can tell these people never had a sweet potato casserole growing up.”  senior Adrianne Weldum complained. 

All in all, AI has a long way to go. Currently, we have essay-writing nuts and bolts, but perhaps someday we will have goldfish-eating rapping yams. 

Asparagus Fern
Asparagus Fern (born 1236 BCE) was a war correspondent stationed in Clipperton Island (a strip of sand off the coast of Mexico) during the Vietnam War. They have since retired and now write for Yampage to “relive the glory days.” Asparagus Fern has been married 700 years to the saguaro cactus Udderly Zucchini. The couple has had quite a lot of plant babies, including the many Christmas trees of Rockefeller Center and Groot. In their spare time, Asparagus Fern enjoys breathing underwater and taming dragons. They play bridge every Wednesday with the local crazy cat ladies. Fern lives near Spiky Olivia, wherever that might be, and refuses to comment if they like asparagus or not. For watering information, contact Paloma Arena (‘25).