We’ve all been there. You’re walking to the busses after school ends, when suddenly something catches your eye. Everyone notices.
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane?!”
Then, a voice calls from beneath you. You look down, and a dashing man in a mole costume is looking into the air with you.
“Actually, I’m pretty sure that is a bird,” he says.
Mole Man (no affiliation with Moleboy and the Mighty Mole Mates, the team of mole-themed superheroes native to and known for defending Mole City, PA) is the beloved mole-themed superhero known for burrowing about the Jamesville-Dewitt area. Famous for leveling mountains, reducing them to molehills, you can imagine our delight when the opportunity arose to interview Mole Man. Provided below are some of the highlights.
Interviewer: Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. Man; this is very exciting! So can you tell me a little bit about yourself as a superhero?
Mole Man: Y’know, Tom–can I call you Tom?
Interviewer: No, thank you.
Mole Man: Everyone always asks “where’s the mole?” you see, but never “how’s the mole?”
Interviewer: So then, what is your backstory?
Mole Man: What do you mean?
Interviewer: Well, superheroes are famous for getting their powers through horrendous accidents, instilling in impressionable children the idea that things that seem dangerous can really make them special.
Mole Man: A hurtful stereotype. Well, it’s not the most exciting thing, but I got my superpowers from a molehill.
Interviewer: A… radioactive molehill?
Mole Man: Nope.
Interviewer: Were there radioactive moles inside?
Mole Man: I suppose it may have become irradiated by UV light, but no, I just stubbed my toe on a rock leaning on a molehill one fateful Mole Day.
Interviewer: A radioactive rock?
Mole Man explains that not all superheroes are born from dangerous exposure to radiation.
Interviewer: Right. So, could you please describe some of your newfound abilities?
Mole Man: Well, right after the incident, BAM! My eyesight got slightly blurrier.
Mole Man: And then there was also a whole period about discovering how much my physical strength had grown–
Interviewer: Super strength?!
Mole Man: Yeah, all the better to dig below the ground with.
Interviewer: Fair enough.
Mole Man: Yeah, and that helps with my signature move.
Interviewer: Which is?
Mole Man: If I see a mountain, I can reduce it to rubble. Then, I can relocate the waste to a safe location, and help relocate some homeless moles to the site of the former mountain.
Mole Man and the interviewer somehow drove the conversation into the subject of toothbrush colors. I didn’t stop them because I was waiting to tell a funny joke, but then the topic of conversation changed.
Interviewer: Oh, shoot! We’ve got until 4:00, right?
I told him “No, we only have until 3:45,” which was something the interviewer should have known, since he was the one who recruited me to document this interview in the first place. He panicked, and wasted an additional five minutes, because of the aforementioned panic.
Mole Man: Don’t worry about it, just ask your questions real quick, and I’ll give you as many answers as I can.
Interviewer: What are your goals as a hero?
Mole Man: Well, I want to help all moles find safe land to live in. I also want to help raise awareness about the incredible usefulness of the mole as a unit of measurement.
Interviewer: That sounds like what a chemistry teacher would say.
Mole Man: Oh, well, it’s crazy what some chemistry teachers sound like these days.
Mole Man spent an awkward amount of time laughing, and the interviewer felt awkward for not having the social skills to refocus the interview. I felt good because I found a five dollar bill I must have accidentally left in my jeans pocket when I washed them the other day.
Interviewer: Do you have any ideas about saving lives?
Mole Man: Well, I don’t want to just focus on moles, y’know? I mean, a lot of people see “oh, it’s Mole Man, he must really like moles.” But I want to rescue more than just moles. Humans, dogs, cats, pangolins, sea angels, you name it.
Interviewer: Do you have a certain goal for how many rescues you want to conduct?
Mole Man: Well, I mean, just off the top of my head… 6.02 x 10^23?
Suddenly, a watch started beeping.
Mole Man: Ah, there’s my time. Well, duty calls!
Interviewer: Oh, right. A thousand thanks for meeting with us!
Mole Man: Anytime. And Tom… be sure to turn in your “Relative Mass & the Mole” worksheet.
On his way out the door, Mole Man bumped his head, and removed his mask to rub the pained spot.
Interviewer: Oh, you should probably see the school nurse; she’s sure to have ice for that.
Mole Man: Thank you. Mole Man, a-WAY!
Mole Man proceeded to dash down the halls in search of the nurse. I then asked the interviewer what he was supposed to be doing for this interview to make it newsworthy. So here it is. That’s right dear readers: Mole Man is none other than…
A caring, enthusiastic and humorous individual who has a passion for chemistry and appreciates all things mole-like. Remember that he can neither fly, nor was he bitten by a radioactive molehill.
Sue “Dough” Nim, a-WAY!
A word from the editor: It was funnier when Mole Man did it, Sue.