A Breakthrough in Student Safety: JD Students Assigned Personal Security Officers

On November 7, the Jamesville-DeWitt Central School District Board of Education held a special meeting at Moses DeWitt on the topic of School Resource Officers, colloquially known as SROs. The verdict: personal SROs assigned to each and every student in the Jamesville-DeWitt Central School District. 

The proponents of this idea claim that each student having a SRO assigned to watch them around the clock will greatly improve the safety and security of students in school as well as at home. While there has been some criticism over privacy concerns, students are encouraged to develop deep emotional bonds with their assigned SROs and “think of them as just another member of the family.” 

To get a sense of how the student body feels about this, YamPage reporters interviewed students throughout the school. Many, such as sophomore Lydia Korkue, have expressed dissatisfaction with the idea. “Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel comfortable having a stranger watching me sleep or while I’m using the bathroom.” 

On the other hand, many others are speaking in defense of the idea. A source that requested to remain anonymous said “I approve wholeheartedly of this new initiative. The ultimate goal of this school district should be the safety of children, and the best way to ensure that is to have a man with a gun follow them around 24/7.” 

Moral issues are not the only objection that have been raised. The strain on the budget has the potential to bankrupt the district, but according to our sources the Board is already hard at work begging the government for more funding. The other, more pressing issue is that of what to call these new security officers. The main school of thought is that they aren’t assigned to the school anymore, so they should instead be called Personal Resource Officers (PROs). They have also repeatedly mentioned how cool it would sound to be able to say things like “Trust me, I’m a PRO.” However, there are still a few holdouts who want to keep the traditional title intact.

Regardless of the side effects, the influx of new security officers is sure to keep students safer than ever, so long as no one actually tries to attack them.

Jimothy Rivers
Archbishop Lieutenant Director Professor Doctor Jimothy Rivers has previous work experience as the archbishop of Winnipeg, a lieutenant in the Royal Canadian Navy, the director of the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C., a professor of golf management at Idaho State University, and as a dermatologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. In his free time he enjoys playing a variety of sports, with his favorites being extreme ironing and combat juggling. He is currently retired from all of his jobs except teaching at Idaho State and writes articles for YamPage in between classes, hoping to gain another title. He can be reached through his unpaid intern Bohdin Bright ('23) with questions about his articles or extra credit opportunities.