Undoubtedly, after having your classes shortened on an AP Exam day only to be shepherded into an assembly, you knew exactly what’s going on here. Jamesville-Dewitt High School now has a mascot, a true Red Ram. However, a few weeks in, little is known about its true purpose or intentions.

Due to the mystique of the unnamed Red Ram, rumors and conspiracy theories have been echoing throughout the halls of J-D, whispered by the fearful, the skeptical, and those who are bored of their English class.

One popular theory claims that the Ram is a new take on the concept of a hall monitor. This conspiracy cites several facts and observations, such as sightings of the Ram wandering the halls with a siren during classes. Some even point to its forward-facing eyes, a biologically evolutionary sign of a predator. All of this evidence supposedly supports that the Ram is out to guard the halls of J-D.

Another would have you believe that the Ram, named “Rini,” is the previous J-DHS principal Mr. Gasparini come back to be amongst the students once more, no longer able to stand being away from the school–the kind of school spirit that a mascot embodies.

Some say that the Ram is actually a student, possibly even being the school’s very own semi-famous flag-runner, Ian McIntyre, who was reportedly missing during the debut of the Ram. But that can’t possibly be the Ram’s identity, right? Right?

When asked for an interview, the Ram stared blankly at our reporter, speechless. When asked about the possibility of communication through sign language, the ram shook its head “no.” While little is known about the Ram’s identity–or even its name–it has displayed nothing but single-minded determination to champion J-D’s school spirit, a good sign for the school’s future.

Actually, about the Ram’s name, can we give it a name? Is J-D’s best and only satirical news publication allowed to name the school’s mascot? How about we try. Here’s a call to all loyal YamPage readers: let’s try naming the Ram. How about Red? Ricardo? Reginald? Actually… I think this is why names aren’t for satirical publications to decide, no matter how absolutely fabulous and possibly factual the publication is.

Here’s a better call to action: keep the conspiracy theories coming, J-D! Actually I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that…