The 2023 Eurovision Song Contest recently wrapped up, with “Tattoo” by Sweden’s Loreen winning the competition. The annual contest was full of catchy tunes, one-of-a-kind performances, and whatever Croatia’s deal was. As a first time Eurovision viewer, I was struck by how terrible some of the decisions are by voters, and although some songs were rightfully given their due, many of the jury’s votes were beyond inexplicable. Here, we’ll be ranking every song from the Eurovision final, in my objective opinion. Unfortunately, some of the performances were not made available on YouTube, so a different performance of the same song will be attached instead.

26. “Eaea” – Blanca Paloma, Spain

Along with a few other major nations, Spain was guaranteed a spot in the final without having to participate in the semifinals. If it had, there’s no chance it could make it through. No melody, middling vocals, and a dull performance made this the worst song of the final.

25. “Blood and Glitter” – Lord of the Lost, Germany

Whose idea was it to let a subpar German punk metal band perform at Eurovision? Definitely not mine.

24. “Samo mi se spava” – Luke Black, Serbia

The song is undeniably dreadful, but the performance is just baffling. Luke Black just sort of moves around the stage for a bit, and then pulls tubes out of dancers dressed as robots. Perhaps there’s a deeper meaning to the performance but I certainly didn’t see one.

23. “Due Vite” – Marco Mengoni, Italy

It’s truly shocking that this managed a fourth place finish. One of the most unoriginal songs I’ve ever heard.

22. “I Wrote A Song” – Mae Mueller, United Kingdom

Yet another song allowed in without competing in the semifinal, I don’t know if I’ve ever been more bored than when I was watching this low-energy, clichéd mess.

21. “Break a Broken Heart” – Andrew Lambrou, Cyprus

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t remember this song existed. Just like “Due Vite,” it’s frustratingly dull and there’s truly nothing interesting going on here.

20. “Soarele și Luna” – Pasha Parfeni, Moldova

A woeful song, but at least the performance is…attention grabbing. Parfeni dances around in a thoroughly uncomfortable way, and then a little person with a flute comes on. That’s Eurovision, baby.

19. “Mama ŠČ!” – Let 3, Croatia

Although the band describes their song as an anti-war mini rock opera, I saw it as more of a terrible song with a ludicrously weird, indescribable performance.

18. “Unicorn” – Noa Kirel, Israel

Supremely overrated, Kirel’s nice vocals can’t elevate this above the rest of the competition, and I physically can’t praise a song that contains the repeated refrain, “I’ve got the power over you-nicorn.”

17. “Watergun” – Remo Forrer, Switzerland

The dreadful lyrics unsubtly critique war, with Forrer at one point simply stating “I don’t wanna be a soldier, soldier.” We get the point, Remo.

16. “Heart of Steel” – Tvorchi, Ukraine

Purely from a song perspective, this one drags, with a dull electronic beat and uninspired vocals. That being said, the performance has some pretty impressive moments and cool visuals, so some respect is due.

15. “Stay” – Monika Linkytė, Lithuania

A perfectly fine song, the emotion in the singer’s voice helps to alleviate the dullness of the performance.

14. “Promise” – Voyager, Australia

Ah, yes, the famously European nation Australia. In addition to not even being close to Europe, the song is hit-and-miss, as some catchy parts are overpowered by the band’s insistence on being glam rock even though they’re all about ten years too old for that.

13. “Carpe Diem” – Joker Out, Slovenia

The song is so-so, but props to this one for having actual instruments and not just generic EDM beats. The performance is pretty fun too; one guy winks right at the camera, and you can’t not love that.

12. “Cha Cha Cha” – Käärijä, Finland

This is a boiling hot take. Finland’s song has become colloquially known by viewers as “The People’s Winner,” and its second-place finish has garnered significant controversy, particularly by the song’s masses of rabid fans. The performance is high energy and engaging, but the song itself is just not that good. It’s not a bad song by any means, but, it’s fine. 

11. “Duje” – Albina & Familja Kelmendi, Albania

Although the performance is lacking in showmanship, the song itself is moderately catchy, and you have to root for the final’s only family band. I love my family and all but they would never form a band and go on Eurovision with me.

10. “Future Lover” – Brunette, Armenia

Now we’re getting into the good ones. The chorus, for lack of a better word, slaps, and Brunette’s voice is pretty good, despite all the autotune. Unfortunately, her performance (at the contest, the above video is previously recorded) is too boring to make this one great, as she just sort of stands around very emotionally for three minutes.

9. “Tattoo” – Loreen, Sweden

The winner of the whole competition didn’t not deserve to win it, but I don’t find it nearly as compelling as many of the other songs. It’s essentially the same as “Future Lover,” except this one has a better chorus and a worse verse. The other thing “Tattoo” has that no other songs do is plagiarism accusations; yikes.

8. “Bridges” – Alika, Estonia

This one’s pretty good! Alika has an excellent voice and the chorus soars, and although the performance isn’t particularly gripping there’s a self-playing piano, which is pretty cool. Not a brilliant effort, but a solid, solid entry.

7. “Because of You” – Gustaph, Belgium

A jazzy, fun song? An energetic and entertaining performance? Gustaph spelled with a ph? What’s not to love?

6. “Ai Coraçāo” – Mimicat, Portugal

Finishing criminally low, this is one of the only songs that chooses a genre other than pop, instead electing a fiery, tango-esque dance song. Mimicat’s performance is possibly the best of the whole competition, with an excellent dance break and clear enthusiasm. 

5. “Évidemment” – La Zarra, France

The performance isn’t great, as La Zarra physically can’t move or dance in her massive Eiffel Tower dress, but the song is a groovy disco banger, and it’s the only song allowed to skip the semifinal that actually delivers. 

4. “Queen of Kings” – Alessandra, Norway

The best hype-up song of the competition, this one is a cinematic, drum-heavy bop with a solid performance and nice vocals from Alessandra. Perhaps the most widely likable song of the whole contest.

3. “Who the Hell is Edgar?” – TEYA & SALENA

I bet you weren’t expecting a song about American Gothic horror author Edgar Allan Poe at Eurovision, but here it is. Although the lyrics are only vaguely related to Poe and his works, instead choosing to repeat his name over and over (as far as I can tell, the song is about a writer being possessed by the ghost of Poe), it’s exceptionally catchy, the vocals are sharp, and the performance is strong. 

2. “Solo” – Blanka, Poland

It astounds me that this one finished in 19th place. While many aspects of the song are relatively generic and the performance is utterly okay, the chorus has been stuck in my head for weeks. Every time I listen to the song and I reach the chorus, it truly brings me joy. It’s just so catchy. It’s not brilliant and there are for sure better songs, but that chorus is nothing short of spectacular. I’m listening to the song right now and I just paused my writing to admire it.

1. “My Sister’s Crown” – Vesna, Czechia

Not only an amazing Eurovision song, but straight-up an amazing song. The performance is perfect, with engaging dancing and movements that match the song’s intensity. The first part of the song is excellent. And then it gets to the verse, arguably better than the first part. Then the bridge, which improves upon the verse. Then the first chorus hits, and is better than all the rest of the song combined. Constantly improving, just when you think you’ve heard the best part it hits you with another epic melody. Hands down excellent, what a song.