For this Thanksgiving, our wonderful reporters critiqued 5 ½ star foods, including turkey, stuffing, mac and cheese, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce. Here are the results.

 Everyone is always claiming that their great-great-great grandmother, twice-removed’s green bean casserole is the best, but we aren’t so sure. So we sent our three best yam dishes, the most unbiased food, to be the true judge of Thanksgiving dinner. Why sweet potato casserole, caramelized yams, and mashed potatoes, you may ask? It is said that the population is split evenly into loving and hating these foods, so obviously they are the best choice. Everyone (vegetarians and vegans alike) can eat them too. Also, our mascot is a yam. 

First up, turkey. Sweet potato casserole enjoyed the turkey juices, but took away points for lack of sweetness. They gave it a 5.987 out of 7.45. Caramelized yams absolutely loved the garlic butter under the turkey skin, and gave four chef’s kisses as a rating. Mashed potatoes found the texture of the turkey dry and unpredictable, and refused to comment on the “travesty.” Overall, four and a half out of five yams.

Next, stuffing. Sweet potato casserole did not enjoy this at all, as savory things go against everything they stand for. Zero out of two napkins. Caramelized yams did not particularly enjoy or hate the stuffing– simply noting the flavors as “traditional, but not yammy.” Two out of three onions. Mashed potatoes thoroughly enjoyed the consistency and texture of the stuffing, and gave it one and a quarter gingersnaps out of one and a quarter gingersnaps.

Mac and cheese was an overall success. This article would turn into a book if I listed all the compliments. Even sweet potato casserole enjoyed it, which is surprising because mac and cheese is not all that sweet. 100/98 stars from everyone. 

Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie is always controversial. On one hand, gourds are third cousins with yams. So they should have an advantage over the other foods, because of distant family relations. But pumpkins are the most hoity-toity cousins you can think of. They get three whole holidays. Yams get two, if they’re lucky. For that, our yams kept strictly neutral with four out of eight whipped cream cans as a rating. 

Finally, cranberry sauce. A yam-tastic success. Good sweet potato casserole, according to itself, has cranberries in it. Caramelized yams liked the little tang and sweetness cranberries offered, as a nice contrast to its majestic self. And mashed potatoes loved the color contrast and consistency of cranberry sauce. Ten out of ten forks.

Now, they all have added cranberries to their recipes and are requesting we change our name to “Cran-Page”. Enjoy your leftover yams, folks.