An Open Letter from the Editor
Dear Principal Lawson,
As Jamesville-DeWitt’s best (and only) satirical publication, we take our job of making jokes about the J-D community very seriously. However, it’s really hard to make jokes about you because, not going to lie here, you haven’t given us much to work with. That’s fine, but we really need some more information if you want to see yourself featured in our publication.
Would you say that you have good fashion sense or bad fashion sense? Both are funny and would make for good jokes, just putting that out there.
How about your car? Is it comically large/small? That would make for a decent article. Something like “New Principal Drives Small Car, Let’s All Laugh About that.” That’s good satire if I’ve ever seen it.
Ooh! Do you have a funny middle name (ex. Mildred, Banana, Jazzercise, etc.)? Funny names are comedy gold and, I hate to say it, but “Gregory Lawson” isn’t particularly funny.
Do you have any words that you use a lot? Like “fantasmic” or “balderdash?” May I suggest that you start using those words a lot?
Did you go to a funny college? Wait, you went to SUNY Oswego? I have no jokes about SUNY Oswego.
If I googled you, would I find anything controversial? Controversy makes for good satire, you know.
Do you have any funny pictures from when you were a teenager? Did you ever have a mullet? How about a perm? Or are you too young to have had those? How old are you? Like are you closer in age to me or my parents? If you’re really old, that could be something to write about…
How do you feel about Italian tiles? We’re kind of obligated to ask about that.
What’s your speaking voice like? High? Low? There’s got to be an angle on that, right?
Look, we want to tell jokes about you, but first, you have to give us some more information. I’m just getting the ball rolling here, so if you have any other ideas, let me know. We’d be more than happy to tell jokes about your funny looking pet or an embarrassing injury in high school. Let us know what you think.
Humorously,
