Allow me to be the 10,289th person to tell you that we are living through unprecedented times. But even in these unprecedented times, Yampage is determined to be a source of consistency for the five members of the J-D community who actually know we exist.

Even if we have to go fully remote because of the Delta variant, Yampage will continue to write articles about Honors Biology classes that I know you won’t read.

Even if the entire school collapses because it turns out that the Blue Hall was essential to the structural integrity of the building, Mr. Gasparini will continue to appear in our articles without his knowledge or consent. Does he know we exist? Gaspo, if you’re reading this, let us know by casually dropping the phrase, “We are all yams,” on the morning announcements.

Even if we all get dysentery from the water fountain near the auditorium, you can bet we will be writing about it while uncontrollably pooping.

Even if the entire student body freezes to death during a really long accidental fire drill, Yampage will continue to publish content from beyond the grave.

Even if Dr. Smith turns out to be an alien named `1oip.//3=-23~aetu who came to Earth in hopes of destroying the human race, but ultimately formed a powerful bond with a high schooler named Jake and realized humans aren’t as bad as they seem, we will most certainly photoshop a picture of Dr. Smith onto the body of ET.

Even if the RamPage website is destroyed in a “freak accident,” we will just write our articles on napkins we found on the cafeteria floor and stuff them in random lockers, just like our forefathers did.

Yampage will persist, no matter what happens. Yampage is J-D’s best (and only) satirical publication and we are here to stay. Except for next Thursday. I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday.