Within only the first few days of school, a frightening outbreak has occurred\u2014a cootie outbreak. While cooties usually infiltrate the elementary schools, J-DHS is experiencing a rare outbreak. It is believed that it has largely been caused by the lack of social interaction (especially among the different genders) over the past year and a half. Now that larger groups of students are having to be in the same room together for longer periods of time, a cootie breeding ground has emerged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen I go into a classroom, I have no idea who\u2019s going to have it. And the teachers have no sympathy whatsoever. They put girls and boys next to each other willy nilly. This is exactly why I was remote for the past year and a half. I simply didn\u2019t have to worry about any of this!\u201d junior Yamelda Yamington* said, angrily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cStupid girls and their stupid cooties. I guess there goes my fifty dollars for getting a girlfriend by the end of high school. And it was a triple dog dare too. Darn it!\u201d senior Yamichael McYamillbee said, storming off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, there is one means of protection from this raging pathogen that might just let McYamillbee get that fifty dollars. A specially designed vaccine, known as a \u201ccootie shot\u201d among students, grants immunity. Usually using either a finger or a pen, the person giving the vaccine draws a circle with two dots on the recipients\u2019 skin, reciting a specific line. But despite the positive conclusions coming out of the AP Statistic classes about the vaccine\u2019s success, there has been some skepticism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c\u2018Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you\u2019ve got the cootie shot.\u2019 What kind of poliwag is that?\u201d sophomore Yammy Yamilton stated. \u201cI say it\u2019s all made up. Just a way for the girls to infect more of us guys. You know, it was girls in my biology class who started doing it first. That\u2019s how I know it\u2019s all fake. What does science have to do with vaccines anyway? I\u2019m not stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ve done my research and this supposed \u2018cootie shot\u2019 is not approved by the FDA. They can\u2019t inject me with random stuff that some boys probably found in their disgusting locker room. And there\u2019s no actual needle either? It\u2019s all bogus, if you ask me,\u201d freshman Maryam Yamfly said. \u201cI was actually in English class when the boys first started doing it two rows behind me. All I\u2019ll say is that it looked mega sketchy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While students continue to grapple with this outbreak, we went in search of the other side of the story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhy aren\u2019t teachers and administrators getting the cooties, you ask?\u201d Mr. Gasparini said. \u201cWell, duh. We have the greatest staff in the whole world and I\u2019m sure Ant\u00f3nio Guterres would back me up on that. But despite our greatness\u2014which I think is about an 80\/20 split in this equation\u2014I would say it\u2019s probably because the cooties aren\u2019t real to us anymore. I mean, once you graduate second grade, it\u2019s kinda sad if you still believe in it. But I guess it\u2019s the pandemic\u2014yada yada ya\u2014gotta give the students a break\u2014whatever. It\u2019ll run its course and it\u2019ll be over. We\u2019re strong. We are J-D.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As this story continues to develop, we will keep you, our readers, updated. Will enough students get the \u201ccootie shot\u201d that they\u2019ll reach herd immunity? Will McYamillbee get his fifty dollars? And, most importantly, will Mr. Gasparini ever stop referencing Ant\u00f3nio Guterres?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*Due to the fact that it is still unknown all of the ways cooties can transmit amongst this older age bracket [ex: in case reading a sentence from someone who has cooties can cause the reader to get cooties themselves], we are retracting all student names. We have replaced the names with Yampage editor-approved pseudonyms for our readers\u2019 safety.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
They put girls and boys next to each other willy nilly. This is exactly why I was remote for the past year and a half.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47,"featured_media":15573,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15580"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15580"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15580\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15573"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15580"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15580"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jdrampage.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15580"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}