AP Bio teachers Mrs. Raich and Mr. Comfort have created a new project for their students: raise and care for a Tamagotchi Pet in order to “gain a new understanding of how fragile life can be.” The stakes are high as this project will count as 40% of the final grade in the class.

Conspiracy theories about the real reason for the Tamagotchi project have been flying around the school. So far, our favourite is that Mr. Comfort and Mrs. Raich are using the Tamagotchi Pets to listen in on the lives of their students to collect data for a top secret experiment. 

“We really wanted to challenge our students. We have confidence that the students will be able to raise their Tamagotchis successfully,” stated Mr. Comfort. 

“I’d rather do that 8th grade health assignment where you had to take care of a creepy robot baby for a day,” started one AP Bio student in disgust. High school Health teacher, Mrs. Moore, said that she “fully supports” this experiment as it “will help students learn how to take care of something living.”

The virtual game teaches students how to correctly care for and look after something with similar needs as a human being. In order to keep your Tama alive, you must feed it, clean up after its waste, play games with it, put it to sleep, and become its servant- everything a parent does. 

“I got my Tamagotchi Pet during first period and it died during homeroom,” stated a tearful sophomore student who was interviewed on their way to receive counseling. All six counselors have stated that they have noticed an increase in the number of students coming to them to talk about the new science project.

“Students have actually been coming in to talk to me about something other than OCPs for once,” stated Will Hartley, the Student Assistance Counselor. Our interview was cut short by an overbearing group of freshmen who appeared at Hartley’s door chanting “OCPs! OCPs!”

People can recognise AP Bio students not only by their constant complaining about the class and about how much homework they have, but also by the fact that each AP Bio student has their head down and is staring at their Tamagotchi Pet almost all day. AP Bio students can also be seen knocking back shots of espresso in order to stay awake 24/7 so that their Tamagotchi doesn’t die the moment they look away.

“I haven’t blinked in days,” stated sophomore David Scibilia who didn’t even bother to look up from his Tamagotchi the entire time he was being interviewed. We found David hiding under the staircase by the trainer’s office. Only days after we interviewed him, David lost his Tamagotchi when he blinked for the first time in almost a week. Scibilia later sent out invitations for his Tama’s funeral. 

Some desperate students have turned to the school’s nurse, Heather Cavalluzzi, for help. Cavalluzzi grew up raising Tamagotchis. Before becoming a nurse she ran a Tamagotchi daycare where she watched over and cared for people’s Tamagotchis while they were busy. In an interview, she revealed some tips for keeping your Tamagotchi Pet alive:

• Throw your Tamagotchi into a bowl of food and cover it during feeding time so that it can feed through osmosis
• Surrender your health in order to care for your Tama
• Make your plans around caring for your Tama
• Give your Tama everything it wants. Everything.

The Yampage staff wishes AP Bio students luck as they embark on this new chapter of their lives.